


The Good Kind of Bad

by BaeksHyuck



Series: Living Backwards [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, Slow Burn, nomin, slow burnnnnnnn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25876606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaeksHyuck/pseuds/BaeksHyuck
Summary: To Jeno, Donghyuck comes after Jaemin. That is the correct chronological order. Yet, he knows Donghyuck far more than he will ever know Jaemin. In his life, Jaemin is the tide that flows back and forth. He is a force of nature that comes and goes, and Jeno hates it. He hates it so much he falls in love with him. He is a force of nature, a pattern that etches itself in his life, and Jeno can do nothing about it.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: Living Backwards [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1499948
Comments: 10
Kudos: 67





	The Good Kind of Bad

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~
> 
> Idk if anyone expected this, but I had this plot in mind ever since I posted In Retrograde. You don't really have to read IR to understand this however, everything happens here in parallel to what happened in the other fic. (Also Yay happy birthday Na Jaemin ily)
> 
> Section beginning in Italics signify a change in timeline. The story jumps between middle school Jeno and high school Jeno. 
> 
> Have fun reading this, and leave a comment! that'll make me happy~

The first time Jeno ever hit anyone, Jaemin was on the receiving end. It wasn't a moment of rage, nor was the kick anything with malicious intentions. In fact, Jeno had been so angry at himself he cried while Jaemin laughed at the situation, or maybe he had laughed at him, Jeno doesn't know.

There are many things Jeno doesn't know about Jaemin.

To Jeno, Donghyuck comes after Jaemin. That is the correct chronological order. Yet, he knows Donghyuck far more than he will ever know Jaemin. In his life, Jaemin is the tide that flows back and forth. He is a force of nature that comes and goes, and Jeno hates it. He hates it so much he falls in love with him. He is a force of nature, a pattern that etches itself in his life, and Jeno can do nothing about it.

-

_Middle school_ is rough. Jeno is a mere fourteen year old, yet his mom wants him to go to piano school as soon as he finishes his last class in school. It is hectic. His life becomes something he doesn't know, something like a movie he plays on his laptop, but ignores while it drones on, and on, and on. Still, like every other day, with the same exact complaints piled on his tongue like a mountain of salt, he waits patiently for his driver to pick him up at the school gate. It’s already half past four, and it’s the first time ever his chauffeur kept him waiting this long. 

The sun beats on Jeno's eyelids making everything he looks at a shade of bright red. He considers going back into the school, where it is cool and air conditioned, and maybe give someone, his mom, dad, or any maid that would pick up the phone, a call.

Before he does though, a huff sounds from beyond the school gates.

"I don’t need you to come here." an angry voice echos, and it adds so much to the overbearing sun that it makes Jeno grimace.

"Waste your time. That is your problem.” So much anger laced with mockery. It sounds like it’s spoken with talent, with skill, with experience.

Jeno turns to peak at the newcomer, and Na Jaemin comes through with a bowl cut bouncing on his head, and small beads of sweat on his cheek. Jeno puts a hand over his eyes to shield them from the sun as he looks.

Jeno knows Jaemin from PE class. Jaemin is athletic, and he jumps a lot, and more often than not people cheer for him. Jeno, also knows Jaemin, from the countless detours taken near the school cafeteria to look curiously at the other boy lying down and skipping class just because he can. 

Jeno knows Jaemin, but he doesn't think Jaemin knows him.

"Screw you!” Jaemin says into his phone with his high shrill voice. Jeno doesn't know why the words sound so vile. It makes his face turn red, because he doesn't really hear people curse, not even on TV––his mom doesn't let him watch such things.

And maybe Jeno thought Jaemin was the same. He thought maybe Jaemin wasn't allowed to say bad things, not even think them. He thought maybe Jaemin was like him, only allowed to eat specific homemade meals everyday. 

He thought Jaemin was like him, and maybe that is when every thought, from the many, many thoughts Jeno had about Jaemin, was far from the truth.

Jeno keeps looking, because he forgets he isn't supposed to. He was used to glancing at the tall boy candidly. Therefore, this time when Jaemin looks back, eyes sharp and eyebrows furrowed, Jeno's heart skips a beat like it had never before. It might have been the sun, but Jeno knows that it's Jaemin's eyes that made his heart do that funny little trip. He knows it like it’s the laws of gravity, laws of life, because he had never felt anything like it before.

He doesn't look away, so Jeno doesn’t either. He isn't usually like that. Jeno is always the first to shy away from any eye contact, but all things considered, Jeno is also never one for watching other people, yet here he is. 

Jaemin walks closer to him until he is about at an arm length away, and his eyes bore into his own. "Do you have a mother?”

An ephemeral silence settles over so heavy that it makes the air around him hotter, as though the sun decided to graze them with her pinky. 

"A mother?" Jeno almost doesn't respond to the bizarre question. He stumbles a bit with his words. Jaemin walks even closer to him.

"I do." Jeno says, still confused.

Jaemin smiles at him, and Jeno knows he gave the correct answer, as odd as it was. He wonders what the wrong answers are. 

"Screw you to hell and back!” Jaemin screams suddenly into his phone, his voice even louder and higher now. Jeno forgot about the phone for a second there, and he ponders about the person unfortunate enough to be at the receiving end of Jaemin’s anger. Jeno doesn’t know, because no one’s ever angry at him, and he’s never angry at anyone. 

In a blink of an eye, Jaemin grips the phone tightly, and with a large swing of his arm, he throws the device into the road. It hits the ground with a loud crack, and skids sadly to the middle of the scorching black concrete. 

Jeno stayed still. Shocked. He watched Jaemin all the time. Jaemin doesn't act like this. Jaemin always smiles at people; that is why they love him. 

"Why are you here?” Jaemin asks, voice somehow still sweet like he didn’t just scream at the top of his lungs.

Jeno points at himself, and he feels dumb a second later because no one else is around. 

"I'm waiting to be taken to my piano class.” He says, and it makes Jaemin laugh, but Jeno doesn't know which part of his answer was particularly funny. Jeno hesitates to speak again. He doesn't know what to say, and is thankful for the familiar black car that comes to a stop right in front of them. 

The right front tire lands exactly on the discarded phone, which makes it crack audibly, probably split into two different parts now. Jaemin looks like he can't be bothered about it, because he looks straight into Jeno's eyes once again, and says, "How about I give you your piano lesson today?"

-

_High School_ is a million times different compared to middle school. Jeno feels grown. In a year he'll be old enough to get his driver license. Things are changing. 

But here’s the thing about life, when things change, Jeno realizes, they don't ever go back to the way they were before. Except, Jaemin, because Jaemin goes, and goes some more, but he always comes back into his life. 

In high School, Jeno gathers that it is time for Jaemin to leave, so all he has to do is wait for Jaemin to come back to him. All he has to do is wait, but somehow this time, it hurts more than all the times before. 

Things change, and suddenly everyone is gay in high school. People are okay with you being gay, because the adults don't have to know. It is fine because everyone watched the seniors, a girl called Seulgi and another he doesn’t really remember the name of, kiss on their graduation stage without any hesitation. 

Suddenly, everyone, including Na Jaemin, is gay. 

It wouldn't have hurt as much as it did—hurt like his heart was being shredded into pieces over and over again—if Jeno hadn't told Jaemin that he loved him just a few months earlier. Under the sweltering heat of the sun in his front yard, lying on the moist grass, just because Jaemin wanted to lay down on the lush green land. During that day, it was the second time Jeno ever dared to hold Jaemin’s hand (The first time was during their middle school graduation, back in May, when the only worry they had was about their plans for their seemingly endless summer. 

During the graduation, Jaemin curled his fingers back and gave Jeno a smile that was unlike anything he ever saw. It was a little grateful, and Jeno had a fleeting thought, that possibly, he _knows_ Na Jaemin).

"I think I love you." Jeno said, and the grass felt so muddy underneath his back, but Jeno was okay with it all because Jaemin likes it. He felt so sure of the words that left his mouth on a whim. His chest was tight with a feeling of heavy bravery that pushed him to say something more, to say anything. But before he could Jaemin spoke up, “Rubbish." Jaemin spit out as he sat up.

Jaemin pulled his hand away from Jeno’s grip, and it stung. It stung even worse than that time Jeno fell off his scooter in Europe. It stung even worse than the time he accidentally burned himself with the toaster. It stung Jeno so badly, that it made him realize he doesn’t know Jaemin all that much after all. 

"I'm leaving. The grass stinks.” was all Jaemin said that day, and Jeno was left sitting alone on the endless colors of green along with the ants buried deep and in between. That day Jeno just watched as he left, and it was the last he saw of Jaemin until the first day of High school.

Jeno spent the rest of the summer alone afterwards. He would make occasional visits to the grocery store, where he found a kid his age working at the register. It made Jeno wonder if he should get a job too. He wasn’t a high school student yet, but he thought that maybe it’ll make a man out of him. That is something Jaemin would want to try for shits and giggles.

The boy at the register glared when Jeno paid for his five differently flavored popsicles. 

_Screw everything_ , Jeno thought during that day, he will eat whatever the hell he wants today, not even his mom, or let alone this golden boy filled to the brim with grim attitude at the register can stop him. 

Screw everything. It's _rubbish_ , anyway.

-

Jeno befriends the grocery boy pretty fast. They are friends in a non-friendly way, and it’s because Donghyuck always has other things to do, and registers at grocery stores to tend to. Things that are more important than going to the arcade with Jeno, or doing their art project together after school. 

It worries Jeno at first, because his friendship with Donghyuck reminds him a bit of Jaemin. Donghyuck is a thin thread hanging right in front of his eyes, swinging with the rushing breeze, and Jeno is scared that if he doesn't hold on to it tight, Donghyuck will pull back forever. Donghyuck isn't Jaemin, so he might not come back ever. 

It worries him, but not that much, really. Jeno makes a lot of other friends in school. He smiles even wider than Jaemin did in middle school, but it doesn't matter, because even when Jaemin doesn't smile, even when he sneers as he pleases, everyone loves him, including Jeno. 

Despite it all, his endless stream of friendly friends, Jeno holds Donghyuck dear to his heart, because the younger boy saw him at his worst. He might not know it, but the countless visits to the grocery store during the summer is what pulled Jeno out of his Jaemin-shaped hole. Donghyuck is witty and funny, but as usual, Donghyuck is also always busy.

-

_Junior year_ puts Jeno back to square one; he finds himself staring at Jaemin again. It is a few hours after school, and Donghyuck is still working on his calculus homework. They are both in the old lockers room. Jeno pretends to study along with his friend, when in reality he sits near the window just to peer at the cheer team and the soccer team practicing outside. He recognizes almost everyone in the teams. There is Mark, who he meets often with his mom, and there is Lucas from the volunteering workshop he did back in September. There is Jimin, who helped Jeno build a prop during their school's annual flower festival. And then there is pink-haired Na Jaemin, who he had confessed his love to two summers ago. 

They still act like they don't know each other. Jaemin just goes on about his day, with people parting to his left and right, to make space for him, while Jeno does the same, just so that he would get the chance to look at him. Jaemin is taller and thinner now. He is different in so many ways, and is the same in so many more ways. It jolts Jeno every single time, because he looks around expecting the same Jaemin, the one with round eyes, the one who laid down on the grass next to him, would be there, instead all he finds is an older boy now. 

Jeno doesn't know how to approach the older Jaemin without embarrassing himself, without somehow hurting himself with the boy’s mature sharp edges. 

So he doesn't. 

"Say, do you know what your zodiac sign is?", Donghyuck asks the quiet locker room, and his voice sounds too loud, and too brazen for the mini study session he was partaking in. Jeno looks away from the window to face his friend. It is rare to find Lee Donghyuck focused on anything that wasn't his school work, or his part-time jobs. 

"No. Though, I have met the fortune teller that my mom visits often," Jeno thinks back to that day. "She held my hand and said some things about my rising sign."

Donghyuck looks at him with more interest now, so it prompts him to continue. "Said something about how stubborn I can get. Another thing about Venus, but I don't remember what or why."

Jeno wants to continue again, the story becoming too vivid in his brain, but he stops himself from telling his friend. He remembers when the sparkly lady held his pale hands in hers, she squeezed them in pity. The memory suddenly comes back to him fresh, and he wonders why he even forgot about that bizarre encounter. The fortune teller said many things Jeno couldn't remember, words he didn't know how to pronounce. She also said, _Your greed will be the damnation of you. Don't bite more than you can chew, boy._

His mother saved him from her just before she could elaborate, and the old lady didn't say anything anymore in her presence. Jeno hadn't paid close attention to what she said at that time, nor had he taken it to heart, because it sounded like it had been pulled straight out of her ass, to put it nicely.

Donghyuck's loud snort breaks Jeno’s visit down his dusty memory lane, "That is perfect." he says with a small hidden cackle. Jeno doesn't ask what is perfect, for Donghyuck's head never worked like his. Jeno just turns and stares back out the window instead. He finds Jaemin jumping on Lucas's back, and they both have huge smiles on their faces. 

Jeno _is_ greedy, he accepts easily in his silent mind, and he loves to try new things, he likes to know things. 

-

His extended family have long since labeled him as an ‘Overachiever’. Jeno likes to disagree. He has a friend that ranks in the top five in his high school, who also juggles part time jobs regularly. 

With Donghyuck in his life, Jeno isn’t ashamed to admit that, well, he has it easy. He tries to imagine the choices he would have made if he switched places with Donghyuck in an alternative universe. He realizes that, if he didn’t have a mother creating endless schedules for him, booking endless tutoring sessions for him, arranging specialized diet plans for him, and nurturing him into believing that he is something, Jeno would be nothing. Jeno also realizes that it comes with the money, because if he was Donghyuck, it would be so easy to choose the excuses, and Jeno would choose the excuses. 

_Really, uncle Joon, I’m not an overachiever! or even better, give me a dollar and I’ll achieve!_ Is what Jeno wants to scream at the world, at his family, sometimes, but he holds himself back. 

Because Jeno is calm and stoic. This is what he is made of, this is the only thing he is allowed to be. 

-

The stack of papers Jeno is carrying is very heavy. He isn’t the class representative, yet he is often chosen by teachers to perform minor tasks they couldn’t be bothered to do themselves. Miss Hyunah had asked the class representative, a girl called Ahrin, to collect the assignment papers from the whole classroom and to take them to her office. 

Ahrin of course couldn’t have been bothered to do so. She just smiled at Jeno, who smiled back like an idiot and agreed to do it instead of her, because ‘she had to leave for an emergency’ for the sixth time this month. 

Jeno tries to hasten up so that he can finish his job as quickly as he can and get back home.

He passes by the teacher’s lounge and then finally rounds the corner that leads to the offices. He finds miss Hyunah’s easily due to the repetitive trips he had to take to the exact same destination previously. Jeno’s day starts to feel like another repetition, the same exact movie playing over and over again ever since he was in middle school. 

Before he manages to knock on the door, Jeno spots a crown of pink hair right through the small window of the teacher’s door. 

Jaemin is inside.

He hears the teacher’s mellow voice first, “Jaemin, you have to listen and understand. If you try a little harder then you won’t have a problem with the—“

“I said I don’t care.” 

Jeno tightens his grip on the stack of papers he is holding at Jaemin’s voice. His voice is way deeper than he remembers, a little too cold. The words leave his mouth like the sky is suddenly raining ice cold bricks. It scares Jeno, and he considers leaving the stack of papers on the floor and just bailing. He wants to run away before Na Jaemin exits through the same door he must enter through. However, before he could, the door is forcefully pulled open, as though Jaemin had a personal vendetta with the door. 

The moment his face comes into view, Jeno’s head becomes an empty balloon. He has no thoughts and his brain fails to think, to decipher, and it only observes. 

Jaemin is even taller now, age added more inches into his height compared to Jeno, and he can’t help but look up into his eyes. Jeno can tell the exact moment Jaemin recognizes him. He sees the shift in his eyes, and Jeno wonders if Jaemin can see it on his face too. 

The papers crinkle under the force of Jeno fingers, and he watches tentatively as Jaemin’s lips part, the seconds expanding into minutes and the minutes expanding into hours during that single moment but suddenly all Jeno can hear is, _That’s Rubbish_. The voice is higher and unlike the deep vibrato that he just heard, but it echoes in his mind like a violent reminder.

He pushes past Jaemin into the office. “Excuse me” he mutters under his breath, while making sure he gets zero physical contact with Jaemin. The door shuts, but Jeno doesn’t see Jaemin leave. He gives the teacher the stack of papers and she thanks him. He smiles at her one last time before exiting, his mind and heart still in rage over having seen Jaemin up close. 

He doesn’t find Jaemin anywhere when he goes out. 

His mother is waiting back home for him to come back, so they would have lunch together. Jeno doesn't understand why she would want that, something about family bonding and teenage angst. 

It’s late October and the wind is colder than ever. It blows at him with fervor and his phone finally pings with an incoming message. The text is from Donghyuck and as usual, he can't make it to tonight's plans to go to the arcade.

Donghyuck ditches him and the wind is still cold, so Jeno decides that he doesn't want to have lunch with his family anymore. 

He picks up his backpack, which he left leaning against the wall, and makes his way to his car. He stops himself from getting in when his stomach rumbles loudly, not unlike the angry howling of the wind. Jeno remembers the convenience store right about the corner. They serve hot water for instant ramyun, and it's been a while since he was allowed to eat anything instant and tasting of pure diabetes and high blood pressure. 

He tightens his grip on his backpack and turns around to walk in the direction of the store. It isn't that long of a walk and Jeno appreciates every single step he takes with the wind continuously slapping his face and causing his eyes to water.

He makes it in a few minutes and the door he opens causes a bell somewhere to jingle when he enters. It's empty, save for the old lady at the register who greets him with an old kind smile. He makes a beeline towards the ramyun shelf, he had been there countless times with Donghyuck, and takes two packs instead of one, because fuck it. He pays for it, cooks it, and then takes his place by the window. His food is blood red and a huge contrast to the grey sky he was staring at. Jeno carefully swirls his disposable chopstick around the curly plump noodles, and just as he gets a mouthful of heat and mouthwatering spices the bell jingles once again. 

He chews the huge bite carefully and grabs his phone.

There are 2 missed phone calls from his mom, and one from Donghyuck. 

Well, he'll get back to those after he is done with his meal. He takes another bite and it fills him up, which makes him lament his impulsive decision to buy two portions, but Jeno finds himself determined to finish it all.

"Do you mind?”

Pink hair. The cheer team uniform. Na Jaemin is here.

A lump in his throat forms. Jeno doesn't think he'll continue eating at all. He doesn't say anything, he can't, but Jaemin takes it as Jeno doesn't mind, for he takes the seat in front of him easily changing the grey scenery into something pink and tan.

“Jeno, right?” he asks with the same voice that Jeno doesn’t think he’ll be able to get used to.

“Yeah” he replies. 

Jeno doesn't know how he answers, because with Jaemin sitting so close, he forgets how to breathe. The sound of the air rushing in and out of his nose is loud to his own ears and he wonders if Jaemin can hear it too. 

He finds it stupid that Jaemin introduces himself to him again, as though they are strangers, when they held hand during their middle school graduation. It's ridiculous that he has to act like he doesn't remember Jaemin when he had confessed his undying love to him a few summers ago. 

Jeno doesn't know Na Jaemin all that much, so he imagines that this pink haired boy suffers from a severe case of amnesia, just so that it would hurt less. Jeno wipes his mouth with the stray tissue he got as a last thought from the counter. He doesn't feel like eating at all. He is glad Donghyuck isn't around, because the sight of wasted food would have upset him. 

Jeamin tears open a package of hotdog with his teeth and for a second it makes him look like he’s smiling and Jeno’s heart does that same somersault. 

Jaemin takes a bite and chews the fleshy treat, “What you heard back in the office with Miss Hyunah,” he takes another bite, “I’d rather no one knows about it.”

Of course, why else would Na Jaemin be talking to him? The other boy had actually followed him all the way here just for that. Jeno considers it for a moment. Should he be honest? Should he tell Jaemin the truth— that he hadn’t heard a thing? 

Jeno’s moral compass is turning and twisting. He should speak the truth. But he doesn’t want to. 

“I won’t tell anyone.” Jeno says, and he doesn’t know why he says it. Maybe, he just wants Jaemin to know that despite it all, he’ll always have his back. Jeno didn’t even know who he would reveal such a secret to. Donghyuck, maybe? 

Jaemin purses his lips and narrows his eyes for a millisecond like he couldn’t believe Jeno. He doesn’t say anything though, and pinned down by the familiar gaze Jeno felt like he was standing under the scorching heat of the sun waiting for his driver to pick him up for that piano lesson, the one he never attended, all over again. 

The lump in his throat grows in size and he figures that he should speak, that he must insist that he won’t tell anyone, that he must make Jaemin believe him at all costs. 

“I don’t—“, Jaemin starts, but Jeno’s phone starts ringing. Jeno doesn’t pay it much attention. He is focused on Jaemin’s face and nothing else. 

When Jaemin doesn’t continue talking, Jeno fishes out his phone. Donghyuck’s face shines on the screen. It’s a candid picture Jeno took when they were at the arcade a few months ago. Jeamin’s eyes flicker down to Jeno’s phone and it lingers there for a while before he looks out the window. The longer the phone rings, the more Jeno felt like tossing his phone out the window they were sitting across. He was finally talking to Jaemin again, the person he pinned over since he was in middle school and he was being interrupted. 

However, it was odd for Donghyuck to call for the second time today. That is so unlike him, as he would usually be waiting for Jeno to call him back unless they were expecting to see each other that day. Jeno couldn’t ignore this phone call. 

“Excuse me.” Jeno taps the green button before the phone stops ringing. “Hi.”

“Are you busy?” Donghyuck asks. He sounds completely normal, but Jeno knows better. “What happened?” Jeno asks instead with a tone of alarm. Jaemin looks at him again, and his eyes look glossed over. They turn into something else, and it is a thread Jeno wants to hold on to, but it flies too far from him. 

“I tripped at Sweet’s, and I can’t ride my bike back home.”

Shit.

Sweet’s, the restaurant Donghyuck worked at, was a thirty minute ride from where he lived with Youngho and Taeil. Donghyuck insists on riding an old bike to work every single day even though they all—he, along with Youngho and Taeil— offered him a free ride. 

“Stay where you are. I’m coming to get you.”

Jaemin shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Jeno hangs up, and as he collects his trash he tries to explain himself, “I have to go. Donghyuck, my friend, he hurt himself and I have to go get him.“ 

“Oh, Okay.” Jaemin utters slowly, sounding disappointed. 

Jeno turns to the trash can, he doesn’t think twice about the wasted food, and he wants to turn back to the table to tell Jaemin he’ll talk to him again. But Jaemin isn’t at the table anymore. Jeno runs out of the grocery store and he sees broad shoulders, and a bright head of pink hair walking past the corner opposite to their school's parking lot. 

Jeno didn’t have enough time to catch Jaemin, he had to go help Donghyuck first. 

-

It turns out that Donghyuck could, in fact, ride his bike back home. The owner, a young lady that always appeared stressed out whenever Jeno sees her, freaked out when Donghyuck tripped. She demanded that someone pick him up rather than let him ride his ancient bike lest he exacerbates the pain of the tiny bruise forming on his ankle. Jeno understands why she let out an over dramatic reaction; Donghyuck is still a minor. Anything that happens to him will be her fault ten fold.

“I’ll throw it in the boot. It’ll fit.” Donghyuck says with a scowl once Jeno parks in front of the yellow restaurant, referring to his bike. When Donghyuck is done, he opens the passenger seat with vigor and huffs when he sits down. Jeno bites his bottom lip, a habit he had developed from the moment he was born. He does it for comfort, and it makes his mom angry at him, but god knows he needs all the little comfort he can get now. 

Today feels weird to him. Encountering Na Jaemin, who was like a time machine that sent him to the past, and then driving to see Donghyuck, who is the proof of his moving on, almost gave him whiplash. 

The car rumbles, and Jeno is a fairly swift driver. On his right, his best friend groans and holds his face in his hands. Jeno tries to focus on the road, but his thoughts swim back to bright pink hair, feline eyes, and a low droning voice. It makes him think about another reality, where everything is good and simple; Jaemin and him are childhood best friends and they grow up together. They fall in love and then they meet Lee Donghyuck, who has a mother and a father and isn’t as broken as he is in this reality. They become the trio. Inseparable. Jaemin and Donghyuck would be the greatest friends, and Jeno will be happy.

“I think she’ll fire me.” Donghyuck finally speaks. Jeno doesn’t know what to say. 

In this reality, Jaemin throws phones on the ground and breaks them because he can just get another. Jeno throws away his food, because he no longer felt like eating. In this reality, Donghyuck disintegrates in the passenger seat of Jeno’s car at the thought of losing a job at seventeen. 

Jeno doesn’t think this reality is made for happiness. 

“I’ll help you search for other jobs. I won’t say a word to Youngho and Taeil.” Jeno says. This is the least he can offer. 

“Thank you, Jen.”, Donghyuck says, a deep sigh escaping him. 

-

When Donghyuck is too busy for him, Jeno hangs out with Renjun. Renjun is short, cute and funny. They met when Jeno volunteered last fall to chaperone during a parent-teacher conference. They clicked easily, exchanged social media handles and have been in frequent contact since. 

Jeno likes Renjun, but he isn’t Jaemin. In fact, Renjun is the opposite of Jaemin. Everything that Jaemin is, Renjun is not. The short boy always smiles when he sees Jeno and it puts a faint dimple on his round cheek. Sometimes Jeno thinks he would have easily fallen in love with Renjun if he hadn’t already met Jaemin. He looks at him and he thinks, _it’s normal_ ,when all he thinks when he looks at Jaemin is sinning, wanting, and begging _—_ so much begging that _only_ his soul does _._

Today, when Jeno and Renjun meet as volunteers to help the art club repaint the theater club’s props, Renjun is scowling. Jeno wasn’t planning on volunteering today, but Ahrin insisted that he joins and Jeno couldn’t say no. 

“Fuck Na Jaemin and his flat ass.” Renjun gripes, instead of greeting Jeno properly. 

Any other day Jeno would have laughed at a remark like that. Renjun always spoke explicitly, it came as a shocker at first due to the huge contrast with his innocent looks. 

But at this point, Jeno was starting to get used to pretty boys with foul mouths. 

It has been a week since he last talked to Jaemin, and he feels like a restless bee that is constantly buzzing and trying to find its way back to a certain pink tulip. 

Jeno hands Renjun a paint brush. “What happened?” he asks, trying to sound casual.

Renjun rolls his eyes. “I’m glad you asked.” He takes the paint brush and he starts to twirl it around his fingers deftly, instead of joining him and painting. “Mr.look-at-me-I’m-perfect-but-no-wait-im-an-ass is not allowing me to join the cheer team. I don’t get why! He has absolutely no reason to reject me!” he continues with a huff.

Jeno knows that Renjun has the skill. He was trained in martial arts from the moment he could stand on his two tiny feet. Jeno had seen Renjun _fly,_ and kick things left and right like his life depended on it. Jeno knows that Jaemin knows this too, the whole school knows this, yet, Jaemin is wicked like that. Everyone on the cheer team probably knows that their leader has no reason to refuse a great asset like Renjun. 

Jaemin is mean and Jeno doesn’t know why, and well, no one really knows why, but they are all okay with it somehow. Renjun gripes right now, but in a day he’ll forget about it, and if Jaemin smiles his way Renjun will smile back. This is how life is when there is a particular pretty boy that goes by Na Jaemin exists.

Renjun doesn’t sound as devastated as a rejected candidate should, anyway. “You barely like anyone on that team. Why would you want to join?” Jeno asks out of curiosity. 

“I wanna cheer for Yukhei.” Renjun says with a pout. Jeno laughs. Yukhei, who really goes by Lucas, is the soccer team’s striker, a six foot tall puppy, and Renjun’s boyfriend. 

“That is so adorable of you.” Jeno says. 

“I know.” Renjun smiles cheekily. He stabs his paintbrush into the tub of paint next to Jeno, and then he carefully drags it on the cardboard Jeno was diligently painting. Jeno thinks that that mini rant made Renjun let out what was pestering him out of his system. Renjun hums a little while painting, and Jeno has half the mind to ask him what he should do to finally let Jaemin out of his system too.

-

“Jeno! yah!”Ahrin is running towards him full-speed. “Have you submitted the last lab report?” she asks hurriedly. Jeno thinks for a second. 

“Last week’s lab? The one about chromatography? I thought Sungkyu was in charge of that?” he asks. Ahrin groans. “No, he didn’t submit it.” 

And then she looks at him with a stare so familiar, “I’m so sorry Jeno-yah, do you mind printing it, and giving miss Hyunah a copy? I really have to run now!”

Jeno doesn’t have time to reply, as she throws a short thanks and scuttles away. He sighs. Well, it isn’t like he had any plans today, might as well visit the teacher for the millionth time this semester. 

He might as well convince the class to vote him into class presidency next year. 

Printing the papers is easy, but it’s still a hassle. During the age of technology and hologram concerts, Miss Hyuna is the only teacher in existence that still asks for printed lab reports. He hopes that she doesn’t mind late submissions. Jeno can’t find it in himself to be angry at his lab group mates; Ahrin and Sungkyu weren’t so bad half the time. 

The freshly printed papers are warm and soft in his hands and he taps them lightly with his fingertips as he makes his way to the teachers office. There are barely any students at this time, everyone is either packing their stuff to leave or are lazily chatting by the school gates. 

Jeno knocks on the office’s door absentmindedly. He checks his watch, he still has a few hours until lunch with his mother. The teacher’s voice echoes beckoning him to enter. He opens the door, “Good afternoon, I’m-“ Jeno falters. 

Standing at the opposite end of Miss Hyunah’s table is Jaemin. It's a little like a deja vu. Jaemin looks at him with a troubled expression. 

“Yes? Jeno?” Miss Hyunah’s voice cuts through snapping both boys out of their daze.

“My lab group missed the submission date for the previous lab” he holds the papers up as evidence, “I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind, and I promise you it will not hap-“

“Oh dear boy don’t worry about it! here give me the report. Lee Jeno you are one of my brightest students, a small mistake doesn’t change that.” she says with a warm smile adorning her face. Jeno feels relieved at her words, he thought she might at least penalize them by docking a few points of their overall grade. 

Now that that was over with, Jeno wants nothing more than to leave the room. He wants Jaemin’s burning stare off him. Jeno felt like he was intruding from the moment he walked in, and now he just wants out. 

Jeno bows down halfway, “Thank you.” he says, reminding himself to be polite, and to not just bolt out of the door like a coward. 

Just as he is about to turn to the door again, the chemistry teacher speaks up again, “Actually Jeno would you mind taking a seat.” 

Jaemin visibly gets tense.

She turns to Jaemin, “Listen to me Jaemin, this can be your last chance to improve your grade. I know that you two don’t share class hours, but if you study together twice a week you will be back on track.” Jaemin sits in silence. Jeno looks at her puzzled. 

“What do you think?” She’s still looking at Jaemin leaving Jeno out of the loop. Jaemin stays silent, but Miss Hyuna smiles warmly as though Jaemin wasn’t staring a hole right through her skull. She turns to him finally, “Jeno, would you mind tutoring your colleague?” she asks. “I’ll count them as volunteering hours if you do.”

Tutoring the Na Jaemin. Seeing him more often. Talking to him. 

Jeno could say no.

A part of him wants to, but before he even thinks of trying to formulate a coherent excuse as to why he couldn’t possibly handle Jaemin, how he is the worst person to try to control Na Jaemin, “I- Sure, I don’t mind.” his mouth moves, betraying him, and the voice that comes out barely sounds like his own. 

Oh no. 

-

They exchange emails, and set a date to meet up at Jeno’s house. Jaemin’s been there before, when the tide was calm and Jaemin was, by a trick of life, his friend. 

The date comes by faster than Jeno anticipates. He reviews all he knows about acids and bases, before Jaemin comes over. He reads every sentence twice, because he doesn’t want to stop and think of what Jaemin would look like when he finally gets here, or if he’ll play pretend again and act like this is his first time ever seeing Jeno’s front yard. 

Jeno prepares all the books he needs for the tutoring session in his study room, and the doorbell rings just as he picks a tiny speck of lint that was on the study chair. He doesn’t have to rush out to the front door like an idiot to escort the boy that broke his heart in, he has someone else to do it for him, so instead he sits on one of the chairs. 

Two knocks later, and the wooden door opens to reveal Jaemin in his adidas slacks with a black hoodie on. He looks like he woke up from bed late and then remembered that he had something to do, a tutoring session to attend to, and just put on whatever he can find on his floor. It makes Jeno’s cheeks burn in embarrassment, for all the hours he spent trying to pick a flattering outfit; he wore his best fitted jeans and a soft orange sweater. He feels like he looks like a polished nerd sitting there with his glasses and neat outfit; he feels like a try-hard. 

“Hi.” Jaemin says. He sits in the armchair opposite to Jeno, no smiles. The maid that brought in his guest leaves with a shut of a door leaving Jeno in a cage with a lion. 

“Hello” he says back. He suddenly doesn’t know what to do with his hands, so he starts to fiddle with the edge of his notebook. The papers are frayed and used up from his bad habit that appears whenever he feels nervous. 

Before the silence could prevail longer, Jeno clears his throat, “Uh did you get your notebook with you?” Jaemin raises his empty hands up and lightly wiggles his fingers. Jeno face palms himself internally, because _surely everyone is a nerd like you Jeno_ , he tells himself, _of course Jaemin doesn’t have a notebook with him_!

“Oh okay. Here are some plain A4 papers.” Jeno motions to the pile of papers he prepared on the table, “You can write on them while I explain this chapter.”

He starts to talk at length about everything he knows on chemical reactions, brønsted-acids, and brønsted-bases. It is so easy for him to get immersed into what he is saying, and it eases up any little anxiety he felt. 

Jeno doesn’t look at Jaemin’s face. But he does notice that Jaemin stays still throughout. He doesn’t pick up a pen to write down anything, nor does he eat the cookies that the maid brought up to the study room for them to snack on. He taps his perfectly cut nails on the study table subtly. It echoes like a ticking clock, loud and clear into Jeno’s ear, and in no time Jeno finds himself concluding all that he explained. An hour and a half had passed, and Jeno barely felt any of it.

Jeno picks up his reusable water bottle, and takes a much needed swig because his throat dried up from all the speaking he did. 

Jaemin clears his throat, “Is that it?” he asks, and Jeno almost startles at the sound because Jaemin barely spoke the past hour.

“Yep.” Jeno replies. 

He looks at Jaemin’s face. The boy looks like he usually does; unconventionally cool, like he has better things to do. Jeno then remembers that Jaemin came empty handed, no books, no papers, and not even a pen in hand. 

“I’ll send you all the notes I have related to today’s tutoring session.” He offers, and he tries to smile, and to his own surprise it comes naturally on his face. It was as though his own soul was begging to let Jaemin know that despite it all, Jeno wanted to be by Jaemin's side. He wanted Jaemin to know that he is easy for him; Jeno will smile for Jaemin, and welcome him no matter what.

Jaemin doesn’t smile back, but his face relaxes, “Thanks, Lee.” He stands, and Jeno walks him out of the door. Just as he is leaving, Jaemin looks back with a look so troubled, yet so concealed that Jeno would have missed it if he hadn’t spent his everyday memorizing Jaemin’s face.

“I still don’t want anyone to know about this.”

Like a machine, the wheels in Jeno’s head start turning, as he tries to comprehend what Jaemin was telling him. 

Ah..This must be the thing that Jaemin thought Jeno had heard the first time he dropped by Miss Hyunah’s office. Before it shows on his face, Jeno smiles for the second time for Jaemin, “You can count on me.” 

_Because I’m good at hiding things._

-

At home, whenever anything happens, any major changes that his mother decides to implement, Jeno would be the last to know. Jeno always thought it was because life always happened at a pace different than his own. Life would be too slow at times, like when he would stare at Jaemin in the school cafeteria chatting with a wide grin on his face, an hour would pass and Jeno would realize too late that he wasted his whole lunch hour doing nothing but stare.

Other times, life would be too fast, like when he saw middle-school-Jaemin walk out of the school ground just to yell and throw his phone across the road on a hot spring day. 

Though, the worst pace in which the world moves at is when Jeno wakes up and goes on about his day, and he’d find out that he missed a couple of full-length episodes in his life. 

Renjun slams Jeno’s locker door close. Jeno did not sense that jump-scare thanks to the ruckus happening behind him in the hallway, so he jumps a little, frightened at the sudden movement. 

“How did he do it?!” Renjun sounds angry, but he doesn’t look it, rather, he looks murderous. Jeno was used to seeing Renjun look murderous; it was the short boy’s favorite way of expression.

“How who did what?” Jeno asks, opening his locker door again. Someone bumps into him, and he almost falls into his locker space. He scans his things, making sure he has everything he needs before he closes the door. 

“How did Lee Donghyuck manage to get into the cheer team?” Renjun says with a roll of his eyes.

Jeno stops moving. “Donghyuck? As in Lee Donghyuck my friend?” he asks incredulously. Donghyuck is many things, but he is not athletic—definitely not social either. 

“Yes, it is your friend. Why else would I be screaming at your face so early in the morning?” Renjun says loudly over the chatter of the other students. He links his arm with Jeno’s and they start moving down the hallway. 

“Oh.” Jeno says out loud. Renjun doesn’t spare him a glance now, as he must’ve gathered that Jeno knew nothing of this matter. Jeno didn’t know Donghyuck had plans to join the team. It can’t be true. 

Joining the team meant Donghyuck must have talked to Jaemin, and with someone like Jaemin around someone like Donghyuck, something had to be cooking.

-

They go to the lockers room. Donghyuck looks apologetic, and he looks uncharacteristically nervous, like he wanted to burst as a balloon would. 

Jeno frowns. 

“What did I miss, Hyuck?” he asks impatiently.

Nothing is making sense, and Jeno needs to know what is happening. 

"Why did he suddenly decide to put you on his team? If anything you can barely do a forward cartwheel. No offense” he says. Renjun, the most qualified person, was not accepted in the team, but Donghyuck was?

Donghyuck glances at the window, then the door, and then at Jeno. He fiddles with his uniform’s sleeve. "None taken, Jen. He paid me to do it.”

_Paid_? 

Donghyuck never did anything more than consulting sessions. Students liked him for those. He also never took money to take actions. This whole thing felt fishy, especially since Na Jaemin is the instigator. This could be dangerous. No matter how valuable the money that Donghyuck is getting out of it. It's dangerous; cheerleading is no kid sport. 

Jeno voices out his concerns, "Is this really about money Hyuck? You can get hurt! What if they force you to do some fancy tricks, and you end up falling and breaking your back? Taeil won't be happy with this and you know it.” 

Jeno wouldn’t be happy if Donghyuck got hurt. 

Donghyuck visibly panics and Jeno feels repentant about bringing up Taeil. He knew Donghyuck had a weak spot for the older man, and Jeno was jabbing at it mercilessly. 

"No, you don't understand. You can't be annoyed at me for this Jeno. If anyone's annoyed, it is me. I got fired from Sweet’s and I can't find another job now. I need this money.” Donghyuck says. He doesn’t scream but his voice gets high in a way that scares Jeno. It makes him fear what goes through his best friend’s head. 

"You don't understand.” Donghyuck repeats. But Jeno understands. He understands that there will always be a division between them. A mountain of sorts, and no matter what they both did they’ll never be able to cross it. 

"I will barely participate, they have enough members in the team. I'll just be there as an extra. I will just be there to pretend.” Donghyuck continues when Jeno doesn’t say anything.

Jeno had to hope that no one would get hurt in what’s going to happen. 

Jaemin is the pretty mirror that breaks when you touch it—no he’s the broken mirror that you don’t realize is broken till you touch and now you are in pain. His shards will target you, and tear you apart. Jaemin is the pretty and the poisonous, and you are a lucky one if you walk past him unscathed. 

Jeno is almost afraid to ask, but he speaks his mind, "Why does Na Jaemin want you to pretend to be on the team? What is in it for him?”

Donghyuck sighs and his face relaxes as though he has been waiting for this question, "Do you know who Mark Lee is?”

Jeno rolls his eyes, "Everyone knows who Mark Lee is, Hyuck. Soccer team captain. Resident senior heartthrob who is in charge of attracting half the audience during every soccer match. Rings a bell?” Jeno fills him in with all the facts, because he knows Donghyuck had never set foot on the school's grounds whenever they hosted soccer matches, or any matches really. Jeno was always around though. He was either there as a volunteer or as a silent Jaemin supporter.

"Also, really friendly. Saw him around when my mom opened the afternoon tea saloon. Cool guy.” Jeno concludes with a slight nod. He remembers all the soirees with Mark Lee present. He is the type to steal all the mothers’ hearts. He always made conversation easily, smiled bashfully, and he sweet-talked the old ladies who looked forward to seeing him every single time. 

"And apparently he is Na Jaemin's soulmate.”

_Oh._

Jeno did not expect that, because he had never seen Mark and Jaemin interact. 

However, his shock, if he was being honest, was mostly because he had hoped that Jaemin wasn’t capable of love. 

It is fucked up, he admits however, Jeno was once hurt by Jaemin. He was hurt at the peak of their chemistry; when he thought he knew Jaemin like the back of his hand and Jaemin knew him just the same. 

Jeno thinks of how unfair it is for him to love Jaemin this much when Jaemin doesn’t spare him a glance. He thinks of Mark, who Jaemin likes now, and he wonders if it’ll last, or if it’ll break like everything Jaemin touches. He wonders if Jaemin will find Mark worth the fight against himself, or if he’ll run away again. He wonders if Mark likes him back. It would ruin him. 

"Don't you think this is stepping it too far? You don't even believe in soulmates bullshit.” Jeno says with a glare. He tries to stay calm. He fights against himself to not let it slip that he hates it. This business is a tad too dirty for Donghyuck.

Donghyuck seems taken aback a little by his response, but he settles for a smile, “They are both hormonal teens, Jen. A cheerleader and a jock. Name a better combination I'll wait.”

-

Donghyuck gets busy, busier than usual, and he has no time to hang out with Jeno. Jeno whines a little, but after the art supplies debacle Jeno thinks it best he let Donghyuck simmer on his own. 

In contrast to his best friend, he is free these days. No people are asking him for favors, Donghyuck and Renjun are both pretty occupied, so he settles in the old locker room alone most of the time. Soccer practice goes like usual outside. Donghyuck is sitting on one of the benches, and Jeno observes how his eyes follow everything Mark does. His own eyes, though, betray him like clockwork and he finds himself observing Jaemin’s fly-work. His beautiful form as he is lifted upwards towards the sky is proof itself that he was born to be _the_ flier on the team. He jumps for a while with his team, doing complicated splits and cartwheels, no doubt purposely showing off (and Jeno thinks he is within rights to because it is impressive, and he does look very enchanting while doing it), but then Jaemin switches to standing next to Donghyuck, squinting at an oblivious Mark, who focuses on doing his own thing. 

Shortly after, the sky becomes a darker shade of orange, it drives all the athletes to move to their locker rooms to end their day with a refreshing shower. Jeno watches as Donghyuck picks a few stray bottles the others left behind on his way to the locker room too. Mark, who was holding some orange cones in one hand and the beat up soccer ball sandwiched between his other arm and body, approaches Jaemin. 

He looks sweaty. Sweaty in the way that is so attractive, and Jeno can see why Jaemin would be attracted to him. He can’t stop himself from looking at them as they talk and laugh about things he can’t hear. Mystifyingly, two puzzle pieces land in their perfect slots in his brain. To be exact, they look like Na Jaemin and Mark lee, and Jeno tries to blink away the image however, his brain finds it hard to reject something so perfect; something that appeared fated and meant to be in the ways Jeno and Jaemin weren't.

The sky gets darker. Jeno figures he should go back home too.

-

When it's time for another tutoring session, they decide on meeting in a cafe that serves boba drinks. It was Jeno’s pick, as Jaemin seemed indifferent to where and when anything related to the tutoring happened. Jeno wanted them to be outside, because he didn’t think he could deal with the suffocating tension of avoiding talking about Mark if they were confined in his home again. It is childish in a way, but Jeno doesn’t care anymore—he needed to avoid this final heartbreak.

The cafe is one that Jeno never visited (he isn’t a cafe person, neither is Donghyuck, and that is why they spend most of their time at each other's houses or in the arcade), he simply chose it because he remembered Renjun mentioning it a few times. What Jeno should have recognized before choosing this spot though, is that Renjun mentioned this place a lot because he went on _dates_ with his boyfriend here. The place was as pink as Jaemin’s fading hair color, and everything on the menu was either rainbow colored, named “I love you smoothie”, or both. Needless to say, Jeno felt embarrassed.

He picks the table in the corner of the shop. Jaemin comes in a few minutes late, wearing the most depressing colors as usual. He takes off his black hoodie though as soon as he gets to their table to reveal an oversized plain white shirt. 

“Hello.” Jaemin greets him, and his tone is lighthearted and Jeno doesn’t think he’d ever heard Jaemin speak like this in his presence before—almost like they were longtime friends meeting to catch up. _Almost_. Jeno smiles at him, and opens his laptop, “I think we need to double the amount of work today if you want to catch up and cover all the topics included in next week’s quiz.” he gets down to business first and fast. 

Jaemin doesn’t even ponder his suggestion, he merely shrugs. Jeno gives him a slight nod, and just as he is about to start speaking again (he doesn’t give Jaemin papers anymore, because he finds it easier and more convenient for the both of them if he just emails his notes to the other), a waitress comes by. 

“Would you guys like to order anything?” she asks, while handing two menus. 

Well, Jeno looked up the embarrassing menu when it was a little too late to change their studying location, but he did check early enough to create a plan to ask for the ‘My Love’ taro smoothie without actually saying it in front of Jaemin. 

He smiles at the waitress, “Do you guys have anything with Taro?” he asks.

She nods at him, and points at the words ‘My Love’ printed. Just as he is about to nod back to confirm, she switches to Jaemin who just says, “water.”

She turns back to him, “Anything for you sir?”

His face heats up. Well, there was no going around it now. 

“I’ll have the M-My Love-”

“Sure!” she interrupts him. 

He closes his eyes for a second, willing himself to not feel too mortified, as the other boy probably doesn't give a rats ass about Jeno acting like a ten year old. But Jaemin snorts. He tries to hide it, but then he laughs and his eyes turn into tiny twinkling crescents. His head shakes with laughter.

“You really didn’t know that this was a dating spot, did you?” Jaemin says, still laughing at him. 

Jeno stares at Jaemin, and he tries not to look as shell-shocked as he feels because Jaemin recognized him. He pointed out something that was so Jeno, something only people close to him would know. Because only Jeno would accidently ask his long-time childhood love to a cafe that is practically a dating hub. Jaemin’s laughter showers him with relief and his heart feels cool for a second too long, as though he just dunked his head in a cool tub filled with icy water on a hot summer day.

Jeno can not stop his smile from reaching his eyes. “I find it nice and well-lit.” he says. 

Jaemin leans forward, chin resting on his hand, still smiling, “Is that so?” Like he knew Jeno would come up with that excuse.

Jeno does not recognise the look on Jaemin’s face, but he knows a trap when he sees one. It might not be Jaemin’s intention to dig that hole for him, but Jeno knows better than to trip and fall in it willingly. 

“Which chapter do you want to start with first?” he asks Jaemin. 

“Were you always this boring?” Jaemin says.

At his words, Jeno’s will power falters, “Why don’t you tell me, Jaemin-ah?” 

Jaemin blinks in surprise, like he didn’t know Jeno had it in him to play along. Jeno’s been playing Jaemin’s game for far too long to not adapt. Now that the ball is in his court, he can’t stay idle.

“I thought we weren’t doing this, Jeno.” Jaemin says.

“I don't know what we’re doing anymore Jaemin.” Jeno says with an exasperated sigh. The ball is rolling now, it is going down hill, and Jeno blames Jaemin for setting his mouth aflame. 

“Have you fallen for Mark Lee?” he queries before he can stop himself. 

Jaemin rolls his eyes. “Of course you know about that.” he says with a snide tone. His pink lips part to say more, but the waitress interrupts them when she comes to serve their drinks. Jaemin smiles at her politely, and Jeno feels his own glare deepen. 

When she leaves Jeno waits for Jaemin to answer his question, but he doesn't. 

“Have you?” Jeno asks once more, and it comes out cold and loud. He hopes it isn't loud enough for other people to hear.

Jaemin doesn't speak for a while, but Jeno sees the way his eyes are glossed with swimming thoughts. He doesn’t understand why Jaemin would need to think that much. If anyone would ask him about his feelings for Jaemin, he’d answer in a heartbeat. 

Jaemin holds his cup of iced water. His fingers slide over the condensed water on the glass. He takes a sip then he looks at Jeno and says, “I don’t know.”

Jeno should have foreseen such a response. If anything, this was the most Jaemin answer ever. 

Jeno long since discovered this. He has no clue what Jaemin is made up of, because Jaemin himself does not know. 

“Let's get this over with.” Jeno mumbles, purposefully making his voice small, while he rearranges the books on the table. 

Jeno felt himself getting angry. His blood was starting to boil, and he was afraid that if he was to continue talking it out with Jaemin, the ball would start to roll too fast for him to catch. He will make a scene, he will yell, he will fight, and all his unspoken feelings will burst out of him in public.

Jaemin shuts up about it too, and the tutoring session goes as it did last time.

-

Jeno’s anger doesn't simmer down for a long time. And when he catches himself eating a burger out of spite at 1 am in a 24 hours McDonalds, he knows his anger won't go anywhere anytime soon.

Jeno is a rational person, or at least he’d like to believe so. Yet, right now, nothing seems right or logical to him. He felt trapped in a box of fire that was unruly due to his fuel—and Jaemin’s as well. All his next moves felt like the wrong move. He didn’t know what to do. On one end he is miserably in love with a person who could care less about him, and on the other end it seemed like a ridiculous concern, because he swears he feels Jaemin loving him back. It’s insane. 

Who does he tell about his broken heart? 

Who is he allowed to cry to? 

It is a confusing mess. 

The fluorescent lights flicker. The mood is bleak and off putting in the fast food joint. Jeno balls up his papers and discards them. He also makes sure to stuff himself with every single fry, and not waste a single drop of cola. The heavy weight of the food in his stomach does not make him feel nauseous, rather it served as a reassuring weight that smothered the fires in him. 

Jeno’ll regret it in the morning, but with the things he had been doing and regretting lately, eating greasy food seemed like a minor mosquito bite in the grand scheme of things. 

-

_Jeamin_ runs so fast. Jeno doesn't know why that surprises him. His grip is as strong as it can be on Jeno’s hand, but Jeno does not really feel it. Jeno sweats while they are running. They run by two bus stops, and when they pass by the third Jaemin lets out a loud scream. Jeno has no time to show his shock, because they are still running on what seems to be the longest road in the universe. 

Finally, when the world around them turns green, Jaemin stops, and Jeno crashes into him. It is still unbearably hot, it makes him momentarily miss the face-slapping wind, and he leans forward to catch his breath. Almost afraid the Jaemin will suddenly disappear, Jeno raises his head again and forgets about breathing all over again. Jaemin is panting softly next to him. His face is sweaty, and his hair is all over the place. While Jeno wants to run away from the sun, Jaemin doesn't seem to mind it. Jaemin looked like he was showering with the sun rays; he let them embrace him in the most ethereal way. 

Jeno only realises he is staring when Jaemin opens his left eye, and his dark iris targets Jeno’s gaping expression. Jaemin lets out a giggle. Then the giggle turns into a laugh, and it is almost hysterical. 

“That was fun, wasn't it Jeno?” 

Jeno smiles. _Yeah, it really was fun._

“Jeno?” Jaemin calls again, and Jeno realises he was speaking in his head. 

“Yeah, I like running.” he replies in a small voice. Jeno takes a moment to look around, and he realises that they are in his neighborhood’s park. Jeno hesitates, before continuing, “How are we going to play the piano here?”

With a small giggle, Jaemin does a little twirl and starts walking away. Jeno rushes to keep up with him. 

“Thats a good question.” Jaemin says, “I’ve never played the piano.” 

Jeno looks at him incredulously, “You said you were going to give me a piano lesson. You made me ditch my driver!” he exclaims.

Jaemin shrugs, “Yeah, but I did not _force_ you to go along with my plans—actually I don’t have a plan.”

No plan?

Jeno should have realised this was a recipe for disaster, but he was fifteen years old and Na Jaemin was talking to him. Everything was weird, and it felt like a bubble Jeno shouldn’t meddle with. He felt like if he did admit out loud that things are weird, that Jaemin is a very weird person, the apocalypse will begin. The ground will crack, the Han river will overflow and destroy the world, and maybe the sky will permanently turn red. Jeno doesn’t mention any of that, instead, he asks, “So, what do we do now?”

Jaemin swings his arms now as he walks, and Jeno copies him. It felt nice, because he didn’t ever realise how tense his arms were naturally. Jaemin starts humming in wonder, “I have something important to tell you.” Jaemin mumbles, and then he looks at the clear sky for a second too long, before continuing, “But first we must get ice cream.”

-

_When_ the world gets unbearable Jeno takes his bike out and ventures into the nearby parks. It is more like one giant park, because the park is split into sections between every dozen houses in their neighborhood. It isn’t the worst set up, but it isn’t the best either. Biking wasn’t a thing for him till late middle school when his mother suggested he take up a sport on top of all the extra classes he attended. Jeno remembers arguing with his mother about it, and his mother, shocked that Jeno disagreed with something she said, told him she won’t force him into more classes if he biked a few times a week.

It was a pain in the ass at first, but soon Jeno found himself enjoying it. That was mostly because Jaemin joined him later on with his own bike. They’d cycle for hours and hours, till their legs burned and their eyes dried. When Jaemin stopped talking to him on that day in Jeno’s backyard, they stopped going out together on their bikes too. 

Jeno, however, did not stop. He tried at first to go out with Donghyuck, but his dear friend refused to use his bike if it wasn't to get to work. Jeno tried Renjun for a while too, but going out with him always went something like this: they’d go to the park, they'd say something, they'd laugh, Jeno would blink, and… Renjun would disappear. 

That didn’t stop Jeno from going out though. He still enjoyed the wind slapping his face, and the sound of his breath getting higher and higher as he cycled, till he heard nothing but himself; it was a way to empty his head. 

This time, the sun sets earlier than Jeno expects. Or rather, he loses track of time. When he stops Jeno finds himself right in front of the ice cream parlor. He stopped coming here a very long time ago. He definitely wasn’t a regular, but it was a place he frequented with the person he loved the most. Jeno sighs. It was no use reminiscing about a person that did not exist anymore; the Jaemin he knew and the Jaemin that exists right now are two different people. When he catches his breath, Jeno forces his burning thighs to start operating again. 

It is a few feet later that he finds company on the road. He can tell immediately who this person is. The bike is different, but the posture betrays his identity. Jaemin notices him too, and what was a coincidence turns into a race. The night darkens to something pitch black, but Jeno doesn’t pay it any attention, he desperately wants to catch up to Jaemin. Jeno doesn’t see where they are going, he keeps his eyes focused on the turning wheels in front of him. 

Jaemin makes a sharp turn, and Jeno wobbles a little as he tries to swerve into the correct direction. Jeno takes a moment to get back on track and when he does, he realises they are heading towards the river. 

They get off on the sandy side of the river. Jeno finds the sky already submissive to night time. He must have been out a while. Jaemin is breathing deeply next to him, and Jeno can only hear him. The lack of light casts a deep shadow on everything, it leaves nothing but the glistening reflection of the moon on the wavering water. A cool rush of wind drives past them, and it makes Jeno almost feel the shaking shiver that passes over Jaemin. The rustling of the plants surrounding them doesn't leave a moment of silence for them to bask in, and Jeno is grateful. It is almost symbolic, for this is how it always felt around Jaemin. There could be a distance of miles between them, but Jeno will always feel the tiny electric shocks that connect him to the other. He could always hear it, smell it, and almost touch it. 

His eyes land on Jaemin, only to find a pair of eyes already boring onto him. This visual meeting that occurs between them confirms what Jeno thought he always knew, but somehow didn't know. It makes him think that in this moment, it is the Jaemin who he knew stands before him. 

He knows that Jaemin feels it too. 

Jeno waits for something to happen. He waits for either of them to speak, because at this point his body didn't feel his own. Every blink he makes, he does not feel, but he sees. 

“I–” Jaemin says. He takes a step closer to him, and Jeno sees Jaemin’s Adam's apple move. He doesn’t say anything more. 

Jeno decides to bite the bait. “You what?”

Jaemin bites the inner corner of his bottom lip, a bad habit he has whenever he gets lost in thought, Jeno knows. “Why did you follow me”, Jaemin finally asks. 

“I didn’t follow you” _but I did_. Jeno doesn’t take a moment to think. He just says whatever comes to his mind. 

Jaemin shakes his head. 

“Why did you let me follow you?” Jeno asks. 

“I was hoping you would.” Jaemin says taking a step closer. And then another step, and another. And now Jeno hears both their breaths puffing out. 

Jeno closes his eyes. He didn’t expect Jaemin to say this. Jaemin was hoping Jeno would follow him. Jeno, too, hopes all the time. Jeno always hopes to meet this Jaemin. The one he connected with. The one who held his hand, and ran like a crazy kid. “I hope every single day to see you.” Jeno replies, eyes still closed. He did not have the courage to open them. He couldn’t see where this was taking them.

A small sigh is his only warning before Jaemin’s lips land on his. Jeno gasps, squeezing his eyes tighter. His hands instinctively come up to Jaemin’s shoulders, and his body warms up like a furnace amid the cool air. 

The sounds are loud, and maybe it is all in his head, but Jeno doesn’t care. He leans forward to get all he yearned for. 

When Jeno can’t take it anymore, he pushes back a little. He opens his eyes to look at Jaemin, and shockingly, Jaemin looks at him blissfully. He looks like he had been waiting for this as much as Jeno has. 

-

_They_ go to an ice cream parlor that Jeno’s never been to. Well, he rarely gets to have ice cream. His mom says it's bad because it causes cavities. That is why he only ever had it when his uncle comes from out of town and secretly buys him some. Jaemin walks in with confidence, and the person standing behind the counter greats him with familiarity. 

“We’ll get a banana split without any strawberries or cherries, Austie.” Jaemin commands with his high voice, and he doesn’t even pay, he just motions for Jeno to join him at the high table by the window. Jeno sits, and he stares at Jaemin impatiently, dying to know what he’ll say next.

“You live near here right?” Jaemin asks. Jeno nods. His house is in this huge neighborhood. 

“What do you like about this place?” Jaemin asks.

Hannamdong is a nice place. Jeno’s family only recently moved into this neighborhood, and his mom not once stopped gushing about how perfect it is for them. It isn’t like his grandparents’ neighborhood, where kids he grew so familiar to seeing (but did not know personally) ran around freely. It isn’t like that, but Hannamdong is a place for them; it is where he can have a room of his own, and a place where his mother can hang the big chandelier she dearly loves. 

“It is a nice neighborhood.” Jeno speaks his mind. 

“A nice neighborhood!” Jaemin repeats in a mocking voice, “Why do you talk like an old man, Jeno?” 

Jeno’s cheeks heat up and he means to apologize, but the same waiter they saw when they came in approaches them again with the ordered banana split. Jaemin’s face brightens when he sees it. Like the sun, Jeno can not help but notice. Jaemin immediately dives in to eat, and only seconds later he seems to realise that Jeno isn‘t having any. “Why are you not eating?” 

“Oh.” Jeno says. He looks at the white whipped cream and the aromatic vanilla ice cream crowned by plump banana pieces. It looks so delicious, but it also looks like something Jeno is not allowed to eat. Jaemin raises an eyebrow, and Jeno’s mind flashes back to earlier in the afternoon, when Jaemin was screaming his head off into his phone. 

Jeno smiles. He picks up the other spoon and tries the delicious dessert for himself. “Wow!” he exclaims aloud without meaning to. 

“Good isn’t it?” Jaemin hurries to say with excitement, “My dad owns this place. Funny, when he doesn’t know how to make a banana split like Austie does.” 

“Really funny.” Jeno says without laughing. Jaemin meets his eyes and his heart starts to dance. 

It makes Jeno think he said the right thing once again. 

-

“ _Why_ now?” Jeno asks.

Jaemin’s weight on top of him feels right. The warm hand that is spread on his chest is intoxicating. Jeno never thought he’d see Jaemin on his bed, but here they are. Close all around, touching, and occasionally kissing. Jaemin brushes his nose against his cheek,warm breath and all. “You like me, don’t you?” 

Jeno’s heart skips a beat, and it's the unbearable kind where his heart seems to disappear for a second and Jeno’s body fears death with his eyes open. He runs his finger through the lengthening hair at the back of Jaemin’s head, it almost feels like running his fingers on the edge of a sharp dagger, and he gives the only answer he knows. 

“I want to hate you.”

Jaemin doesn’t ask him to elaborate. He just forces his weight up to stare down on Jeno. The gold necklace Jeno found Jaemin fond of dangles on his face and it's warm to the touch. Jeno wants the chain to burn his skin, only so he’ll remember this agonizing moment forever. Jaemin’s hand slides up to Jeno’s shoulder, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. 

“I think that’s fair.” he says in a whisper.

He comes closer, eyes fixated on Jeno’s lips. “Show me your tongue. I wanna try something.” Jaemin says, and Jeno obeys. Jaemin puts his mouth on him and sucks Jeno’s tongue hard. Jeno’s eyes roll to the back of his head and his body squirms at this feeling. It was nothing like he felt before.

Ecstasy. 

He wonders where Jaemin learned how to do that.

-

It has been a while since Jeno last sat with Donghyuck in the old lockers room. They are both trying to cram at the last minute before their calculus test. Donghyuck hums while he studies. He is undeniably in a good mood and Jeno doesn’t know why that is. Nevertheless, it makes him happy that his friend seemed finally at ease. 

Jeno doesn’t realise he is staring until Donghyuk looks up and gives him a look. 

“How's business?” Jeno asks reflexively. Only after he asks does he remember what the objectives of Donghyuck’s latest project were. His mood sours and Jeno can't stop himself from feeling all these annoying feelings he can't name. 

Donghyuck sighs, “I don’t know. It's been really weird lately,” he sighs again, “but I set myself up with Na Jaemin, so I haven’t a choice really.” 

Jeno’s throat dries. He almost forgot about that. How naive of him to think Jaemin chose him over Mark Lee. “Yeah? Anything happened?” Jeno cautiously asks. 

Donghyuck looks down, and starts to fiddle with his fingers, “Yesterday was a little messy. Jaemin made me fill in for a missing cheerleader and he ended up falling.”

Jeno flinches. He hadn’t had a chance to see Jaemin at all for the past two days. The last time he saw him he was drunk on the sweetness of the moments on his bed, where they laid intertwined like two inseparable branches. He didn’t know Jaemin got hurt. 

“No worries though. Prince charming carried him off to the infirmary.” Donghyuck scoffs. 

“Mark?” Jeno doesn't know why he asks when he knows the answer. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes irritably, but he doesn’t say anything. He just looks down at his book again.

Right. Of Course Jaemin had the time of his life then.

-

Knowing what he does again, Jeno feels conflicted. However, he also knows that he is only brave enough now to feel conflicted. The moment Jaemin stands before him and wants something more, Jeno will not be able to resist. 

Other than that, Jaemin hadn’t reached out at all. For all he knows, Jaemin can decide to not talk to him ever again and Jeno wouldn’t be able to do a thing. The tides were confusing.

These thoughts kept him up all night, so Jeno overslept today, which is extremely unlike him. This means he is already ten minutes late to his eight AM chemistry class. Jeno stands in the corridor leading to said classroom, contemplating his options. He can just leave and have breakfast in a nice cafe outside, or he can enter the classroom and endure thirty five more minutes of chemical equations. His head was turning and twisting, but he wasn’t weak enough to choose the easier option.

Before he can decide though, a hand grips his wrist tight and Jeno finds himself running. In a scenario all too familiar, Jeno follows behind Jaemin like he always does. He is hastily pushed into an empty physics lab. 

The moment the door shuts, Jaemin turns to him, his face shining with something Jeno can’t identify. 

“Before I let myself feel bad about this,” Jaemin says as he shoves Jeno to the wall, “ You were going to skip class anyway, right?”

Jeno laughs despite his shock, “And when have you ever cared about what my plans were?”

Jaemin smirks, “Good,” he whispers while leaning in. He plants his lips square on Jeno’s lips, and then pulls back fast enough to say, “I missed you.”

And that is all it takes for them to deepen their kiss. Their lips meet again and again, and neither could think of anything but each other. Jaemin pulls Jeno’s tie loose, as he kisses a trail of saliva down his pale neck. He stops right above the collar to bite at his skin, and it makes Jeno jump. Jeno pushes him away slightly, “Not where people can see.”

Jaemin makes a whiny voice but he complies. He proceeds to unbutton the shirt and latch on a spot right under Jeno’s left collarbone. 

Someone starts talking outside the door, and it sounds alot like Jeno’s art teacher. Jaemin’s lips were loud and confident like Jaemin himself. The art teacher can simply push open the door to the physics lab, and all she’d see is two of her students kissing and undressing on a school morning. 

Instead of the fear of being possibly busted, Jeno finds himself excited. He couldn’t stop Jaemin. He did not want to stop him. 

It is insane enough that Jaemin wants him. Jeamin kisses every corner of his face like he wants to remember Jeno’s features forever. He touches him like he needs him, and Jeno allows him to, because he needs Jaemin too. 

Even if Jeno wanted to reject his advances, his body is always quick to betray him. Jaemin makes him feel alive. Being with Jaemin felt like a feast, like a party, and Jeno enjoyed being the center of attention in it.

-

Making out with Jaemin did not erase the fact that Jeno is still his tutor. Jeno tries to not let this faze him. He tries to maintain his life as much as possible; Jaemin can ruin him but not his life. His insides were in shambles, and no one is allowed to know, not even Donghyuck. To remind Jaemin of that he sends him a text around midnight. He informs him of the contents of the coming chemistry quiz, and suggests a tutoring session tomorrow. 

Texting Jaemin still felt weird. It isn't a thing they do. Talking is not a thing they do. They just kiss a million times, and sometimes he’d catch Jaemin staring at him, and that is about it. 

Jeno makes himself comfortable in his own bed. He shuts off the bedside lamp, and when he counts ten sheep, his phone vibrates. 

_I can’t sleep. Come outside if you're not asleep yet._

Jeno jumps off his bed immediately. He pulls on a sweater before going out. 

His front yard is not small, so trying to find Jaemin can get tricky if Jaemin wants it to, like all the times the played hide and seek in middle school. Jeno clutches his phone tightly, and when he opens the front door, he finds it extremely dark outside with a slight cool breeze that shakes the night life. 

Surprisingly easily, Jeno finds Jaemin crouched near the front door. He's hugging his legs with his head tucked in between his knees, and Jeno’s footsteps must have been loud however, Jaemin doesn’t look at him until he calls his name. 

Jaemin’s face is pale, unlike the golden youthful color that he usually is, and is streaked with tears. Jeno crouches down next to him. Jaemin sniffles. 

“How did you come here?” Jeno asks.

“Uber.” Jaemin replies with a voice so broken it hurts Jeno like a pinch in the heart.

“This late?” he asks, when in reality he wants to say, What _happened?,_ but he can’t bring himself to. 

The line that was supposed to show him what actions are okay and what actions are not is still too blurry for Jeno to see. It was safer to not cross it. Not tonight. 

Jaemin furiously rubs his eyes. He lets out a pitiful groan, “Can we go get a banana split?”

Jeno shakes his head. “It's almost one in the morning.” he answers him, and then turns his head to his left to take a good look at Jaemin.

“I know how to break into my dad’s parlor.” Jaemin says, and his voice cracks. “I make them as well as Austie did.” he turns his head to look at Jeno too. Their faces are so close, their noses are almost touching, and Jeno marvels at how Jaemin’s eyes become darker with salty tears.

Jaemin bites his lips. “She's gone for good.” he says, voice as brittle as ice. 

Jeno doesn’t ask who, because he knows. Jaemin’s mother was always out of the picture. His father was barely present. Jeno was aware of the girlfriends he had, the ones Jaemin mockingly called mother, the ones that never lasted, just like his own mother. Jeno was young then, but when he saw how dysfunctional Jaemin’s family was he assumed that this was–is–why Jaemin is so fucked up inside. 

Jeno opens his arms and Jaemin snakes himself in; it is natural, like the bees that know which flowers to fly to, like the grass that grows to the sky, and the rain that falls to the ground. He starts wailing and saying things Jeno didn’t understand. Jaemin’s arms are tight around him and it's almost suffocating, but Jeno couldn’t let go. If he does, Jaemin might go away for good too. 

Jeno bites his lips as his brain starts to latch at everything that is Jaemin. He tries to remember anything that is not just the present, because Jaemin is everything and having him in his arms like this right now felt overwhelming, like a cup that is overflowing with water—Jeno had to remind himself that this is all one person, one Jaemin. 

He also realises he might as well be as fucked up as Jaemin too, because he was waiting for this. Jaemin was bound to reach a breaking point. There is so much a person can fake before they reach out for comfort. Jeno was certain that in some twisted way, he is that comfort for Jaemin.

“I hate her,” Jaemin cries, “I did not know her, Jeno.” He sobs quietly for a while. 

“She was my mother!” Jaemin almost yells. He says it as though it’s an absurd realization, like he had all the time in the world to understand how the woman that birthed him is a stranger to him, yet he still did not. 

“She is better off dead. She is finally gone for good.'' His voice is strident, a trace of his prepubescent voice, and Jeno thanks all the deities in existence for miraculously not waking up the neighbors. 

Jeno rubs Jaemin’s back lightly. There is a slight tremor in his hand and he is hoping that Jaemin will not notice. Jaemin doesn’t stop crying for a while, the night becomes warm, and Jeno becomes dizzier. It is difficult to contain all of Jaemin when he is spilling like goo on his lap. 

When Jaemin calms down, when his grief becomes nothing short of a mouse’s whisper, Jeno realises he had been drowning in his own tub of tears too. Jaemin’s damage weighed him down with distress, and he can only imagine what it must do to Jaemin himself. He holds him close hoping to absorb all he can, hoping to relieve the boy he loves of all that hurts him. 

Jaemin’s head is still resting on Jeno’s chest when Jeno’s phone vibrates. They both look at Donghyuck’s face shine on the smooth screen. 

He grabs his phone, which was on the ground next to him. He contemplates answering, but he figures that whatever this is can wait. He can only think of Jaemin now. He can’t talk to Donghyuck now without spilling everything. 

He flips his phone face down and wraps his arms around Jaemin. Jaemin’s head is warm and solid against him. Jeno imagines it as a ticking bomb. No, it is something even more delicate, and more precious. It made sitting on the dirt and holding Jaemin something worthwhile. 

Jaemin picks on the hem of Jeno’s sweater. His shoulders start shaking every once in a while with the struggle of holding his sadness all in one place inside him. It didn't take a genius to comprehend that Jaemin shielded his face so deep in Jeno’s body to avoid looking at him. 

When the phone vibrates again, Jaemin pushes himself off Jeno. He stands up precariously, and starts dusting himself off. 

Jeno rises up too just to stay close to him. 

“I have to leave,” Jaemin says looking away. “Thanks for...” he stops for a second, “...whatever this was.” He finishes.

Jeno finds his voice just as the other turns, “You can stay the night?” 

Jaemin looks back at Jeno again. There is some sort of conclusion in his eyes, an ending that ignites dread in the depth of Jeno’s body. Jaemin is close enough to reach out to Jeno’s face, and he does so lightly, his fingers are cold and bruising. 

“You have a very pretty face,” Jaemin says slowly, and then he drags his pointer finger up to Jeno’s mole. It makes Jeno flinch instinctively and Jaemin’s fingers startle, as though he momentarily forgot that Jeno is real. 

Jeno grips Jaemin’s hand before he pulls away completely and brings the icy fingers to his warm lips. Jaemin doesn't look at him, he trains his eyes on the dirt beneath them. He looks lifeless, like a floating ghost and Jeno feels the urge to bring him back somehow.

Jeno fights against himself and reality. 

This couldn’t be it. 

He pulls Jaemin closer for a kiss. Their lips meet like the first time all over again. Jaemin leans in and Jeno embraces the feeling. There is no haste, because this couldn’t be it. This is _not_ the end. They take a moment to feel each other's lips unguarded. 

Jeno puts his other hand around Jaemin but his phone is still in his palm. For a second he considers letting go of it, he didn’t care if it’ll break, nothing mattered now but Jaemin’s lips on his accompanied with the sound of his slow breathing. However, before Jeno could relax his hold, the phone vibrates again. It jolts them both, and it makes Jaemin step back. 

Jeno doesn't let go of his phone, instead he uses it to hold on to something as Jaemin pulls away. 

“Stay.” Jeno repeats promptly, like he was running out of time. 

Jaemin shakes his head, and he hugs his arms in an attempt to fight the chilly breeze. Jaemin looks so vulnerable and fragile like this, but then he opens his mouth and like a bad dream, “This isn’t right.” he says in a whisper, and it's a dagger to Jeno’s gut.

It makes Jeno feel like a young kid confessing his undying love on a sunny summer day, except it is cold and the words _‘Rubbish’_ echo in his brain only. 

After Jaemin’s back fully disappears Jeno checks his phone. Donghyuck texted him asking for the calculus homework answer key and he apologizes for calling so late at night.

Jeno sighs. He’ll deal with that tomorrow. He can’t think anymore.

-

Two chemistry quizzes later (ones he studied for alone), the whole school is engulfed in a romantic bubble. There are promposals performed left and right. Jeno likes watching them because it makes him happy. Seeing other people happy makes him giddy. Sometimes songs are performed and tears are shed, and it makes Jeno cringe with the fact that this is all happening in a highschool and love is mysterious enough to vanish on all the teen couples after graduation. He witnesses Renjun being spinned around on the basketball court, despite the fact that his boyfriend is a soccer player. Minah from physics class wears a tiara and carries the ten thousand roses her boyfriend gifted her. Everyone within a ten mile radius of the school should know that its prom season, and that love is in the air. 

Jeno is not one for flashy courting, but he basks in the happiness that makes everyone enjoy being at school.

The same cannot be said about his best friend. They are seated in their usual place in Miss Raoh’s calculus class room. Donghyuck holds his head in his hands, “Please, No. No. No. No.” he grumbles into his fingers just as the classroom bursts with music, and a girl Jeno doesn't remember all that well breaks out in a cheerful dance. She twirls a few times, and her face gets flushed in pink with effort. Before the ending pose, confetti bursts from behind her and she yells, “Kim Junsu! Will you go to prom with me?” 

Jeno lets out a giddy chuckle. Donghyuck side eyes him, “Really?” 

“It's cute. The popular ones really go all out.” Jeno says, twirling his pencil between his fingers clumsily.

“I don’t see you go all out.” Donghyuck replies with an unamused tone. 

Jeno laughs at him, “I’m social, not popular Hyuck. You should try it sometimes. It’ll make you seem more human to the rest of us.”

Donghyuck punches him lightly without any real malice. “Asshole,” he says. “I wonder when Mark will take a hint and propose to Jaemin.” Donghyuck continues with a sigh. He stares into the commotion that is still happening in the class with unseeing eyes. He looks tired. 

_Right._ That can happen any moment, and if what happened a week ago is anything to go by, it _will_ happen. 

“Jaemin might do it.” he suggests. 

“Oh god no,” Donghyuck groans, “I don’t want to help him with that. Mark needs to do it. That’ll be better for everyone. I hope it does not happen.” 

“Yeah.” _Me too._

-

Jeno doesn’t see Jaemin anymore. Not coincidentally at least, Jeno purposely avoids him. He continues to fight against himself. He convinces his heart that if Jaemin isn’t here to tempt him, he’ll forget. 

Today, Jeno sits in the old lockers room staring out the dusty window. He’s waiting for his dear friend to show up. Meanwhile, Jeno lets himself gaze out at the empty field. A few students are walking there, and none of them are Jaemin. He tries to imagine how it’d be like if Jaemin walked in here, and asked Jeno to go to prom with him. Jeno would say yes and then they’d kiss. It’ll be the kind of kiss that is light like a peck, the kind they wouldn’t need to rush. 

The door opens, and instead of Jaemin, Donghyuck comes in. They agreed to meet here before going to art class together; it was like a shortcut for them. Jeno smiles at him and makes room next to him. Donghyuck sits with a huff, “Physics lab took a while. I’m so hungry I could eat a cow.” he grumbles. Jeno hums in sympathy. Science labs do drain your energy in this school. 

Donghyuck gazes out the field too. Jeno wonders what he thinks of when he sees it. He puts an arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders. He misses his friend. It is only in these rare moments that he gets to see him, for right now Donghyuck is neither in a hurry, nor he has homework he's trying to complete.

“Ah. My Donghyuck has changed. He only hangs out with cheerleaders now.” Jeno jests. 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. He holds his bag and stands again. “Oh yes, Jeno. I only enjoy chatting with hot boys now.” 

Jeno grabs his own bag, his chemistry textbook, and follows Donghyuck. “Are you saying I’m not hot? You wound me Hyuck!” he says back with a laugh, just as they settle at the back of the art classroom. Donghyuck rolls his eyes again and pushes Jeno’s arm away. It feels nice to fall into this playful banter with his best friend. 

“Not funny, Jen. Also, would you like to go to prom with me?” 

Donghyuck? In a school function willingly?

Jeno snorts. He opens his textbook out of boredom, and he starts flipping the pages lazely. “What? And I don’t deserve a lavish promposal like everyone else?” Jeno shakes his head in mock disappointment, “You really hurt me Lee Donghyuck.” 

However, when Donghyuck only jabs him with his pencil without laughter or a snarky comeback, Jeno discovers him serious. “ You’re serious? What? Why do you suddenly want to go to prom with me?” 

This is getting beyond confusing to Jeno. This is as odd as finding an apple in his sock drawer; it does not make sense. What would make Donghyuck want to be in the middle of a party designed for teenagers in love. Hell must've frozen over. 

Donghyuck purses his lips, and he makes that same expression he made when Jeno found out he was using astrology to give students advice in exchange for money. “I might’ve told Mark Lee that I am going with my boyfriend?” 

Donghyuck does not have a boyfriend. Jeno narrows his eyes at his friend. The boy is scheming and Jeno knows it, “And that has anything to do with me, because?” he questions. 

Donghyuck distracts himself with his belongings. Jeno knows he is only pretending to rummage through his bag. “ Oh you know. You get to be my boyfriend for a day.” 

Jeno’s first reaction is to jump on his friend, and strangle the life out of him. The situation was starting to become clearer now. 

Mark did not want to ask Jaemin out. No, he wanted to ask Donghyuck out, but Donghyuck who clearly has feelings for Mark along with major trust issues lied about Jeno being his boyfriend. 

What a mess. 

“I had to, Jeno!” he lets out in a strangled whisper, “They were playing a joke on me! Mark Lee really thinks he can ask me out like that? Ha!” Donghyuck’s voice is humorless, and if Donghyuck remembers that Jeno can in fact read his expression, he would turn away. Because as much as Donghyuck tried to convince himself that it was all a joke, it is written all over his face that it hurts him to think so. 

Jeno gapes at him. “Oh, no Hyuck. Who are _they_?” he asks. 

Donghyuck looks at him with furrowed eyebrows, “I don’t know–“

“Exactly, you dumbass!” 

-

All his thoughts about Jaemin, Jeno finds, are merely his wishful thinking. It doesn’t hurt to think of him anymore. It is more like a tooth he pulled out. It felt painful at first, but now the space is clear and empty and Jeno only feels numbness. 

He decides to focus on his friend instead. Donghyuck, despite all the signs that Jeno tried to show him, is still convinced of Mark’s affection for Jaemin. It is a thin rope to tread on, because Jeno needed to explain how he knows Jaemin liking Mark did not mean Mark had feelings for him. Donghyuck is hardheaded and stubborn, so Jeno agrees on going to prom with him if only to show him how wrong he is. 

Not very shockingly, the moment Jeno lets his mom know of it she drags in two perfectly tailored suits. 

“About time you introduced me to your boyfriend.” she says with a warm smile. Jeno likes it better when his mom doesn’t smile like this. It's the type of smile that feels like pretend. It forces Jeno into his perfect son role and he can not escape it. 

He has to disappoint her for the first time. “I am only going with Donghyuck, Mom. Is it okay if I let him have it?” he points to the suit. 

Her smile doesn’t waver and it makes Jeno feel bad, but she nods and he escapes before she can ask about it more. Sometimes she starts a conversation in a manner that feels interrogative; like she is trying to force him to open up and spill all his secrets, and Jeno hates it.

-

The day before prom Jeno is still holding his breath. There was no talk about Na Jaemin being asked to prom, and everyone was waiting with bated breath to see what will happen. 

Donghyuck is unusually missing today, so Jeno sits in the cafeteria alone. The sandwich he bought looks sad and soggy and he pokes at it. He decides orange juice is enough of a meal for today. 

He looks up to find Ahrin, who was surrounded by her girlfriends in their self-designated lunch table, she smiles at him from a distance and he smiles back. He tries to look for Renjun through the crowds, but he decides to look for his friend’s tall boyfriend instead, because he had greater chances of finding Lucas than he did Renjun. Jeno moves his eyes towards the cliche designated Jock table. The sight of them makes him momentarily forget about his friends, because of Mark Lee. 

The soccer captain sits comfortably in a chair listening to another teammate encouragingly. He has a soft expression that no doubt makes the people talking to him feel welcomed. Mark laughs at something being said, and his eyebrows arch up. Mark always looked like this; his expression is pure as light, and he seems physically incapable of lying. Mark is an honest man, Jeno thinks, he would hurt neither Donghyuck nor Jaemin. 

Suddenly, the lights dim. Jeno blinks in confusion. Music bellows gradually into the cafeteria, and it’s the type of music that is meant to be sexy. The main door to the cafeteria is pushed open, and Jaemin comes in clad in his cheer uniform. His pink hair is styled messily, and he comes in twirling on his long legs. He looks like a boyish fairy with his handsome smile and twinkling eyes.

Jeno stands up instinctively. He shouldn’t watch this. 

He knows that.

But here is how it goes. 

Jeno witnesses it all. Jaemin’s obnoxious wide smile, Mark’s blushing face, the cheering crowd, the rose petals, and the almost lap dance. 

Jeno doesn’t remember when it ends and when he leaves. He just remembers feeling embarrassed, and hot in his head. 

Mark is an honest man, that is why he sets fire to Jeno’s heartbreak when he says _yes_ to Jaemin. There is no one to blame but himself, Jeno thinks over and over again. 

-

"Two boys?" Jeno asks curiously, and Donghyuck looks at him from where he is sitting on the couch like he almost forgets Jeno is there in his living room.

It is prom day, and Jeno completely forgot they agreed to meet at school. Therefore, when he came into Donghyuck’s house, Taeil all but bombarded him with questions in the living room. And when he found out that his precious Donghyuck is planning on going to prom without telling him he went storming off yelling Donghyuck’s name so loud the neighbors must have heard them. 

Yongho in contrast sits next to Jeno on the couch with his good natured smile, it isn’t unlike a puppy’s, and it makes Jeno smile.

"Yeah, one that gave him kisses." Taeil says, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Donghyuck groans, "Oh god stop. C'mon Jeno, we are leaving." He pulls Jeno off his seat running away before Taeil and Youngho smother him with kisses. 

Jeno racks his brain for anyone other than Youngho and Taeil that Donghyuck would allow to be this close, _kissing_ close. 

_Mark Lee._

Jeno allows himself to be pulled, and once they settle in his car he asks, "Kisses? Really?"

Donghyuck ignores him. He just looks out of the window pensively, "I'm telling you it's probably a sick prank." he says with all the seriousness in the world it almost annoys Jeno. 

It feels like the world is moving backward somehow, and Jeno wants to laugh at the way things are unfolding. Why are things not falling into place? 

"You really are oblivious for someone who claims to be observant." Jeno tells him. 

"I am not delusional Jen. Besides, won't that ruin everything for Jaemin? Kinda my job to get them together.” Donghyuck reminds him. 

Jeno glances at him for a second before turning his eyes back on the road, "I thought you were done with that?” he asks quietly. After Jeno told Donghyuck about the promposal and Mark’s reciprocation, Donghyuck sighed with relief. He looked glad to rid himself of this huge burden. He jokingly declared to never do business with Jaemin again. 

The sun starts setting and the car is filling up with colors that feel like summer. Jeno holds back the urge to let go of the steering wheel and touch the last bit of sun rays in the car as he waits patiently for Donghyuck to say something. Silence fills the car and Jeno thinks Donghyuck is ignoring him once again. 

He keeps his focus on the road lest he falls deeper in his pond of thoughts. The rumble of the wheels on the road is all he can hear, but then like a story untold, a sentence half spoken in his mind, Donghyuck says, “And they lived happily ever after.” 

-

Jeno thinks the school outdid itself this time with the prom preparations. They installed all types of fancy colorful lights in the gym, and alot of reflective disco-ish decorations. Jeno likes these pinks, blues, and purples, which floated around the students; they are similar to his state of mind in a way. 

The moment he steps in, he loses Donghyuck and is simultaneously swarmed by the student council and art club members. He knew them all by association, not real friendship, but they still batted their eyelashes at him and told him how handsome he looks tonight. It's not unusual, but Jeno finds humor in how they flock around him when he makes an effort to look good. He keeps his smile pleasant and directed at them; this sort of attention entertained his broken heart, and it reminded him that he is desirable, even if not by the boy of his dreams. 

They disperse after a while and Ahrin comes to say hi too. She holds two cups in her pale thin hands, one which she offers him over loud music with a wink of shimmery eyeshadow, and he gladly takes it. Jeno takes a huge swig from it, and he only feels the burn late because he swallowed it fast. He coughs, “Jesus. What the hells in that?” he croaks. He was expecting a fruity soda, or maybe iced tea.

“Oh my god. I’m sorry, wrong cup!” she says with a sloppy smile. Jeno takes a good look at her. She is _drunk._ The cup contains _Alcohol._ Jeno shakes his head. This could get them both expelled from school. 

She leans forward to take the plastic cup back, but Jeno holds it higher. “No,” he tells her. She pouts at him, but Jeno, being immune to girls, takes her by the shoulders and directs her to the girl’s washroom at the back instead. 

“Go wash your face before someone catches you.” he gently pushes her through the door. She grumbles inaudibly at him, but she does what she's told anyway. 

Turning to the boys’ washroom himself, he realises that the cup is still in his hand. It's still half full, and he is unsure of its contents but he doesn’t find a garbage bin anywhere near, so he impulsively chugs it down. The taste of it makes his body cringe. 

He crushes the cup in his hand, and goes into the washroom to rinse his mouth. The place is empty, and the door muffles the loud music in a manner that makes this washroom a place of existence and nonexistence. Jeno closes his eyes and sways a little to the music coming from far away. That is when he hears the noises coming from a stall behind him. He isn't alone. 

There are groans, and loud breathing, and before Jeno can escape, the door opens and lo and behold, Jaemin comes out with another boy in tow. Jaemin looks properly kissed, with bruised lips and tousled pink hair that makes him look irresistible even in the dim broken lights of the washroom. A look Jeno had memorised so well when he foolishly thought it was for him and only.

Jaemin locks eyes with his. The boy reaches out for Jaemin, but Jaemin ignores his advances, “Leave,” Jaemin tells him. 

Weirdly enough, the boy listens to him, and Jeno wonders how Jaemin can command people like that. He also wonders how Jaemin can come to prom with one person and then kiss another in the washroom.

“I didn’t think you’d show up.” Jaemin says. 

“How do you do that?” Jeno asks him, and it comes out angrier than he intended it to, or maybe it came out truthfully angry in correct representation of what Jeno truly feels on the inside.

“What part?” Jaemin drawls. 

“The part where you choose to not respect anyone's feelings.” he spits out angrily. 

Jaemin’s eyes narrow, and his mouth turns down, “Shut up,” he snarls.

“Not today,” Jeno says furiously. “Don’t play with Mark’s feelings if you do not really like him.” 

Jaemin steps closer, “Is this what this is about?” he queries with a harsh tone. The echo of his voice in the washroom adds depth to his tone.

“You can’t act like you want him and then step back!” Jeno yells. “You are a coward, Na Jaemin.” Now he is aware that he is no longer speaking for Mark, but for himself, and all the hurt he had to endure. His eyes lose focus for a second, and Jeno belatedly realises that he is intoxicated. 

Unintelligently, he is aware, Jeno takes a step closer. He pokes Jaemin with his pointer finger as hard as he can, and Jaemin flinches. “If you don’t have feelings for Mark,” Jeno breathes the words out shakily, “Leave. Just go away. Forever. And...” he falters trying to think of something, “Let Donghyuck fall in love in peace. We all deserve this.” 

_I deserve some peace._

Jaemin holds Jeno’s finger, stopping the merciless poking, and looks Jeno in the eyes. “It always comes back to this boy, doesn’t it?” Jaemin says sadly, but Jeno is too in his own head to notice. He shoves Jeno away from him, and storms out. 

Jeno turns to look at himself through blurry eyes in the mirror. His mind circles around dangerous thoughts of somehow drowning himself in the sink and insistent panic at what he just said. He splashes his face with cold water, and gasps for air. 

He does not want to stay here anymore. He needs to find Donghyuck.

He runs out in search of his friend. He doesn’t find him, instead he gravitates towards the crowd forming at the gym’s entrance. He threads himself between the people in time to see Jaemin’s lips on Donghyuck. 

_He found a way to disrespect everyone’s feelings._

Jeno laughs. Someone pushes him accidentally, and it makes him laugh harder.

What a puzzle Jaemin is…

It is making Jeno become insane with each passing minute. 

He leaves abandoning the whole crowd. He does not want to witness any more of this madness. He finds a big bush, and he crouches behind its drying leaves. Jeno holds his head in his hand to sober up. The windy air helps a little, but he decides to stay hidden for a longer while. 

When the terror of what just happened catches up to him clearly, and his brain is no longer fuzzed up, Jeno makes his way to his car. 

His phone starts ringing in his breast pocket. When it doesn’t stop, he takes it out. Donghyuck’s name flashes on it. Jeno shuts his phone and puts it back in its place. 

He did not want to see anyone right now. Least of all his best friend whom he found lip locked with the boy he still loves. 

All Jeno wants is to leave. 

-

Jeno goes back home, to the comfort of his room and a secret pack of donuts he impulsively, and secretly, bought this morning. He is out of his suit in no time and in his fluffy robes sitting on the bed with his precious pack of donuts resting on his lap. 

He takes one out. It's chocolaty and filled to the brim with custard. Jeno takes a bite and sniffles. 

He just felt so fucking _sad._

Tears start to flow like a rainstorm and he can’t stop himself. He feels disgusting eating sugar and crying at the same time but he lets himself anyway.

The night is dark outside and Jeno peers out to find the moon full and shiny. 

The phone rings, breaking the silence of his room, and strangely, it's Taeil.

Jeno clears his throat.

“Hello?” he answers, trying to sound as normal as possible.

“Is Donghyuck with you?” Taeil throws the questions at him hurriedly. Jeno starts to feel the guilt eat even bigger portions of him. 

“No— I— last I saw of him, he was still in school?” Jeno says.

“No, Jeno.” Taeil sighs tiredly, “He ran away from home when we found out about the cash.” 

_The cash._

The same cash that Jaemin bribed Donghyuck with to make Mark fall in love with him. 

Fuck. 

Jeno feels the panic starting to simmer at the back of his brain, but he remains silent. He doesn't know how much he can say. This is Donghyuck’s story to justify, not his.

“Do you know where he went?” Jeno asks. He feels worried about Donghyuck.

“No, we thought he might be with you. Call me if you hear anything. Alright?” Taeil says with a tight voice. Jeno assures him of that. 

When he hangs up he starts scouring his brain for all the possible places he’ll be able to find Donghyuck in. It is such a hard job to do, because Donghyuck is always good at erasing his presence from any place he was in. If it didn’t feel like he belonged, then he’d rather not be there at all; that is how Donghyuck lived his life. 

Jeno changes his clothes and sits in the living room, where he wears his shoes too in case he needs to dash out. Though, it was nearing one in the morning and he wasn't sure where he would even try to look for his friend. Jeno tries to call him multiple times but to no avail. He also sends him additional texts that remain unseen an hour later. 

He gets a call from Mark. 

“Did Donghyuck tell you where he might be?” Mark says urgently. 

“Mark, no. This isn’t a good time.” Jeno tries to explain, but the words that leave his mouth sound incomprehensible even to himself.

“I know!” Mark bellows. “ I came over to his house earlier and no one knows where he ran off.” he continues in a distressed tone. “Please do you know where he might go?” 

Jeno tries to think again, and he tries really hard. He feels his eyes burning with tears again. “ No I tried to think—“

“The old lockers room!” Mark interrupts him. 

Jeno gasps. How did he not think of it? 

“I’ve got to go. Bye.” Mark says before hanging up hastily. 

Jeno squeezes his phone in his hand and runs out. He takes his bike because his car will be too noisy for the night and it might wake up his mother. 

He makes it halfway when his phone buzzes with a text.

_I found him. Talked to Taeil._

His body relaxes at the news. He wasn’t aware that his whole body was extremely tense the whole night. Jeno turns around and cycles back home. 

He did not deserve to see Donghyuck now. He should have been there when Donghyuck needed him, but he wasn’t. He had an inkling that this business with Jaemin is going to turn ugly, yet he didn’t do anything to put a stop to it.

-

Jeno did not sleep at all last night. He stayed up staring at his ceiling waiting for a sign from either Donghyuck or Jaemin, but nothing happened. 

He hesitates a lot whenever he picks up the phone. His thumb hovers on Donghyuck’s number, but he never finds the courage to call. Jeno wants nothing but to ask about his friends well being. 

Is he okay? 

How did Youngho and Taeil react?

Does he need someplace to stay for a while? 

Is he mad that Mark is the one that found him? 

Does that make Jeno an even worse friend? 

He stops himself though because if Donghyuck needed those things he knows he can call Jeno. Jeno would never refuse him, but the reality is that Donghyuck never called him once throughout last night. Donghyuck is disappointed in him and he doesn’t want to ever see him again. 

Jeno’s heart hurts. 

It almost felt like a terrible break up with Donghyuck. 

When it nears ten in the morning, Jeno’s eyes start to dry out and almost beg him for some sleep. He considers it for a second however right then his phone vibrates.

The text is from Donghyuck telling him that he is on his way to see Jeno. Jeno perks up, and it's like sleep suddenly doesn’t exist. 

He goes out to the front yard and sits on the newly installed swing set. The wind is breezy and the sun’s heat is mild at this hour of the day. 

Jeno waits impatiently, swaying himself slightly, and when Donghyuck makes his way in, a weird feeling encompasses him. 

“Hi.” Donghyuck says in a cautious tone. Jeno feels tears well in his eyes unprovoked. All he could think of is that Donghyuck is his best friend, and he did not want to lose him. 

“I brought your suit back. Thank you for—“

Jeno throws his arms around his friend, successfully cutting him off. He can’t let Donghyuck think he needs to return the suit or thank him so formally. 

He tries to find the words, and his brain is flooded with all the panic he felt yesterday when he did not know where his friend was, so he tells him, “I hate you.”

“I’m sorry—“ Donghyuck starts, but Jeno breaks the embrace to stop him from talking further nonsense. 

“No. _I_ am sorry. I shouldn’t have left you yesterday. I knew that this shit was getting hard on you, and I did nothing. This Jaemin bullshit. It's my fault for letting you go through with it when I knew exactly what Jaemin can do.” Jeno takes a deep breath, and looks his friend in the eye. “And it was shitty but I ignored your calls when you tried to reach me, and I rea- really—” the words seem to be stuck in his throat, but Jeno pushes to let them out, “I really thought you left for real. Taeil and Youngho had no idea where you’d gone, and I—” 

Donghyuck's mirthful laughing stops him. His friend is giggling nonstop and his face is flushed pink in a manner that makes him look healthy and happy. Jeno is unaware of his own smile that forms in response despite his confusion. Donghyuck envelopes him in a tight hug, and Jeno lets out an embarrassing yelp of surprise. Donghyuck isn’t really the hugger in this friendship; this is a first time. 

“Dumbass,” Donghyuck tells him, “You know you are my bestest friend, right?”

Jeno laughs despite himself, “And you are my bestest friend, you bigger dumbass.” 

-

Two weeks pass, and Jeno doesn’t hear a thing about Jaemin. It is like he disappeared. If it was of any relation, he did not know, but Jeno finds himself thinking of him less frequently. It is less like forgetting about the boy he loved foolishly and more like a numbness, as though he was in a daze, that forces him to block his feelings and makes him okay. Sometimes the numbness is overwhelming. It makes Jeno question his love for Jaemin. 

Did he really love him? Or was it all he had known, so he insisted on sticking to the feeling? 

Is he addicted to the love he feels when he sees Jaemin, or does his brain constantly crave the insanity that comes with it? 

Jeno almost felt like a trapped ant who thought the grass was the whole universe, unaware of the true massiveness of the world. Maybe this whole time he had been seeing everything with tunnel vision; Maybe he was missing an essential part of love by choosing to love Na Jaemin. 

Maybe, after all this time Jaemin was right. Nothing matters, and it's all rubbish anyway. 

Not at all surprising, Mark and Donghyuck start to date. It brings out a new side of Donghyuck that Jeno never met before. It is a delight to witness. 

Sometimes, Jeno asks the questions he doesn't want the answers to. It's like a flimsy spider web that he itches to destroy, or a loose bandaid he can not wait to rip off. 

So he looks at Donghyuck one day, when they are both sitting in the old lockers room and says, “How does a love story end?” 

He expects his friend to scoff at the question, but instead, after a subtle glance at the soccer field and without any hesitation he replies, “A love story is until death do you apart, and sometimes death comes early. Other times, worse than death, you fall out of love.” 

Donghyuck sounds so sure of his words, and Jeno wonders how many platters of love his friend was forced to taste. Donghyuck sighs while looking at the rustling green trees outside, and his phone pings; it is no doubt a text from Mark. 

Jeno gazes away from the book he was staring at unseeing and looks at the younger boy, only to find him already looking with a small smile. “Sometimes it's fifteen years in the same home and you call it happy ever after.”

_Yeah,_ Jeno thinks, _I would like to try that one day._

_-_

Two days before their Calculus final exam, Donghyuck almost misses his boyfriend’s final soccer match. Jeno had no idea that Donghyuck was not aware that there was a match going on. Apparently, Mark had hid it from Donghyuck for his sake; he wanted Donghyuck to be stress-free and obligation-free before his final exam, because he knew how important it is to him. 

They end up speeding in Jeno’s car to the school soccer field. Jeno only regrets it when he gets there. He had not been going to any soccer events to stay away from seeing the cheerleaders. They get there late. The moment they step in, the crowd erupts from the bleachers, and pours down to celebrate with HANUM’s winning team. 

Donghyuck, who is wearing his boyfriend’s jersey, runs to meet Mark in the middle in the field. Jeno is aware that this is as good as posting an announcement of their relationship for the entire school. Donghyuck loves Mark this much. 

Jeno hangs back and witnesses all the cheerfulness. He takes a long look at the crowd before turning back. He doesn’t think Donghyuck would want to go back with him tonight. 

Someone starts singing in the back, and it sounds mellow combined with warm weather of the night. 

In a way all so familiar, Jeno is pulled under the bleachers. 

It's a little dark under the shadows, and too noisy with the walking students above them. 

Jaemin is in his cheer uniform, and his moist hair is sticking to his forehead with sweat. 

“No.” Jeno says gruffly, shaking Jaemin’s grip of his arm. He turns around to leave, but Jaemin pulls his shoulders back. 

“I just want to talk.” Jaemin half whispers. His voice is laced with an urgency Jeno hadn’t heard before. 

He steps in closer with caution. 

Jeno doesn’t move away, so Jaemin takes it as a sign to start talking. 

“I think there was something off.” Jaemin says. 

Jeno snorts, someone in the crowd is still singing that mellow song. 

“Everything was off with us. If that is what you are trying to say,” Jeno throws back.

“There are things I did not understand.”

“I never understood a thing when it came to you, Jaemin.”

“Jeno. Please.” Jaemin says with a frown. He comes closer and rests his hand on Jeno’s shoulder. Jeno hated how their bodies gravitated towards each other.

And Jeno forgets. It stays like something damp old and forgotten at the back of his head. He forgets in this moment everything except for the fact that his heart wants, wants, wants. It's more memory than feeling, and when he finally goes near, when he finally gives in, it all explodes in his face and he finally remembers why he decided to numb all the pain, all the love, and all the feelings. 

Jeno is broken. No man is allowed to feel this much. Looking at Jaemin, hearing his voice alone, brings tears to his eyes. The love that fights him makes his knees buckle and it makes him fall down to the cold hard floor because he loves him, he loves Jaemin.

Jaemin goes down with him. 

“Not today.” Jeno tells him. He felt weak. “Please leave.”

Jaemin stands up. He doesn’t leave though. He hovers over Jeno. 

Jeno looks up at him, and then down to his tan calloused hands that were curled into fists.

“I’ll leave if you promise me one last chance. I need to talk to you.” 

-

“Are you sure you don’t want to join?” Donghyuck asks as he examines the pack of red licorice on the shelf. They were hanging in the arcade earlier today, and now they are here in the supermarket because Donghyuck wanted to pick out some snacks for the sleepover he’ll have with Mark tonight. 

“Will you stop that?” Jeno says with a sigh. “For the millionth time Mark will not appreciate me crashing your sleepover.” he explains. He knows Donghyuck is just being nice, but Jeno does not understand what part of him joining this sleepover will be appropriate. 

Jeno examines the different packs of chips on the shelf. He is feeling a little anxious too about tonight but for other reasons. He does not allow himself to think about his options, so he grabs the first four bags of chips lined up and throws them in his basket.

“Anyway, I have a project meeting to attend to tonight.” Jeno informs Donghyuck, trying to sound casual. He hopes Donghyuck doesn’t notice the nervous lilt he thinks is still present in his voice. 

Tonight he is going to see Jaemin. Jaemin, despite making him promise on the day of the final match, did not pressure him into seeing him. Jeno took all the time he needed to sort out his brain.

They walk to the cashier. As their turn to pay comes along, Donghyuck exits the line saying, “Forgot to get something. Go ahead without me, I’ll text you later.”

Jeno waves a good bye, but Donghyuck doesn’t see him.

Jeno pays up and then rides his bike to the river. 

The place where Jaemin kissed him for the first time. 

There is a small family there, two young kids accompanied by a young couple. Jeno sits on the unoccupied bench and digs into his unhealthy snack. 

When the clock in his phone turns to ten exactly, he makes his way to the ice cream parlor. 

Jaemin sits at the high table by the window eating a banana split. Jeno is hit with a deja vu at the sight which makes him shiver. The place is empty, and Jeno wonders if Jaemin emptied it purposely or if they were lucky enough that no one in this neighborhood craved ice cream this late at night.

Jeno sits down facing him. 

“Hi.” Jaemin says with a small smile. 

“Hi.” 

They sit in silence for a while. Jaemin toys with the swirl of melted ice cream in his bowl. 

“How was the chemistry exam?” Jeno asks. 

“Not bad,” Jaemin says, “You?”

“Good.”

Another silence starts, and Jeno feels his palms start to sweat. 

Something has to be said. 

“I’m sorry.”, Jaemin starts. He looks up from the table, and Jeno sees Jaemin’s chin wobble.

“I—”, Jaemin utters only to stop. Jeno hates it. He hates the way Jaemin is talking, because it sounded like the same sad tune Jeno danced to before. It is almost traumatic. Jeno is afraid this might be the beginning of the same exhausting cycle. 

Jeno closes his eyes and prays. 

_Please. Let this time be different._

He opens his eyes, and Jaemin is still there, staring at him with a vulnerable look. Jeno tries to pretend to be resilient. He wants to show Jaemin that it doesn't affect him, that he had given this thought. 

“You don't know what you are sorry for.” he tells him. 

Jaemin bites his bottom lip. His eyes are glossy and he’s still holding the long ice cream spoon tight in his hand.

“I know what I’m sorry for,” He spits out. The words hang in the air, and they should be offending, but Jeno is a little glad that the Jaemin he knows is still there. Anticipating this unknown side of him is terrifying. 

“But?” Jeno asks. 

“But I still don’t know how to want. I don’t know how.” he says with a shaky voice. He stops talking again, and then after obvious deliberation, he asks “Do you still like me?”

Jeno's face heats up, but he still replies, giving a new answer this time, “A love like this doesn’t change easily.”

Jaemin seems to collapse at his words. He holds his face in his hands. 

“I’m glad.” he says. Jeno realises that Jaemin is crying. 

“I always thought you moved on with Donghyuck, so I was trying to do the same.” he says, his voice wet and muffled..

“Oh.” Jeno mumbles dumbly. 

“Do you want us to go out?” he asks him hesitantly. Jaemin clearly looks overwhelmed with this confrontation. Walking would do both of them good, because Jeno too feels like he is dreaming.

Jaemin lowers his hand and looks at him with his feline eyes and perky red nose. He sniffles, “Sure.”

They walk alongside each other on the edge of the road. The night feels endless and undecided. Jeno never felt his future this precarious.

“But you never approached me. Even before Donghyuck.” he thinks aloud.

Jaemin listens to him and then speaks slowly, “I was afraid that I needed you.”

Jeno glances at him. Jaemin’s eyes are directed towards his feet. “Do you?” 

Jaemin stops. He looks at Jeno, and gives him a smile Jeno has never seen anything like it. 

“That is what I had to figure out all this time. I do not need you. I want you, Jeno.” he touches Jeno cheeks lovingly, “I have wanted you for a while now but I didn’t know how to make this work.” 

Jeno covers Jaemin’s hand with his own. Jaemin’s words felt surreal. 

“I love you. I love you so much it makes me insane. Call me selfish, but I love the way you love me and I want it forever.”

Jeno stares into Jaemin’s eyes and he can feel his inside melt. 

“I want to kiss you.” 

Jaemin leans in, and the whole world fades away. 

Jeno doesn't know if seconds, minutes, or hours pass, but it's okay because they do not need to rush.

**Author's Note:**

> [find me on twitter](https://twitter.com/BaeksHyuck)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading! It’ll mean alot to me if you leave a comment <3


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